Slow Children At Play

Moved:

2005-09-21T10:10:00.000-07:00

i'm not blogging right now...

You can find me in the comment section of:

Random and Odd

2005-06-11T12:03:00.000-07:00

OK, for the first post back, I decided to ease myself back slowly so I wouldn't pull a creative muscle (not with the kids in the house anyway). A few weeks back, I went to an Oakland A's-New York Yankees game. The beauty of travelling to glorious Oakland CA is really quite something.

There's A's fans, there's Yankee fans....but mostly a lot of beer fans.

The people of Oakland, my birthplace(historical birthplace plaque pending), are often expressive. This upstanding young gentleman decided he was so excited by the sporting even that he's dance on top of his buddy's car for the viewing pleasure of the parking lot traffic.

BART, or Bay Area Rapid Transit, has a station outside the stadium for those looking to exit quickly and without the headaches of congestion. Those people are still there. This isn't even a photo, its a real-time video.

The bird gangs in Oakland are scary. Following the game, SWARMS of these flying rats attack everything even remotely resembling food orfood packaging. I REALLY shouldn't have worn my In N Out Burger cologne. These animals will NEVER become extinct. Ever.

Announcement

2005-05-23T08:20:00.000-07:00

I'm going through a mini-blog slump currently. The organization is sending me down to the minors to work on funny remarks and doctored photos. I'll be guest starring on Krisitine's blog in the meantime.

2005-05-19T19:38:00.000-07:00

So I pulled the boy out of school and we went to see Star Wars. Don't know if that makes me a good dad or a bad dad, but we had fun. My dad used to pull me out of school when the original Star Wars movies came out, and I thought it was the coolest thing.

The movie's very good, by the way. If you don't like or haven't seen the others, don't bother....you'll be lost. Also not for smaller kids, this one is very dark, pretty violent.

Me and the kid

2005-05-18T23:25:00.000-07:00

, originally uploaded by slowchildrenatplay.

I'm suffering from blogger's block, so just posting a self-portrait w/guest pic of me and my daughter. Any excuse to post a pic of me in a pink feather boa. I'm such a whore.

2005-05-16T22:48:00.000-07:00

I KNEW it!!!! Nobody gets massages that often!!

2005-05-13T23:35:00.000-07:00

My Network, MY 10 Rules....if you have any you'd like to add, feel free to add

1. No commercials for feminine hygiene products. Period(pun intended). There's too many products that already absorb that blue liquid that apparently comes from women (I must have missed that day in health class). I don't care how confident and spring fresh these products make you....I don't want to see them on my network.

2. No skinny people on weight loss commercials. I've seen enough of the 'after's....time for more 'before's. 'Before's are funnier.

3. No more drug commercials. As funny as four-hour erections and bowel slippages are as side effects, they're not funny enough to make me forget that I hate seeing women run through daisy fields for genital herpes pills and guys hiking in the woods for their toenail fungus medicine.

4. The news must start with sports. Its no secret as to why they save the fun stuff for the end of the news. Sports and the funny entertainment stories get squished at the end so we are forced to endure stories about kidnappings and Budget Crisis 2005.....not on SCAPTV News. Every third story must be in song. One hot nude meteoroligist per broadcast. Fake stories are encouraged.

5. Music videos for one hour. No commercials. No hosts. Nothing. Just one solid hour of music videos.

6. Optional male or female crawls on the channel at all times. Men can check out the scores, women can check out who Brad Pitt is dating this week.

7. Completely Sexist Shows. Mondays, Wednesdays, Fridays: Female Dorm Cam.... Tuesday, Thursday, Saturdays: Construction Worker Cam (see ladies, I got yo back!!).

8. No talk shows. If I wanted to hear rambling, I'd call my ex-wife and ask her how her day is going.

9. Public Service Announcements must actually be helpful. How to sabotage co-workers' promotional opportunities, how to use porn lines as practical joke props, how to sneak into movie theaters.

10. Game shows are ok, but only if negative results include physical harm and/or death. Lets see those fuckers bid on their showcase if the loser gets dropped into a pit of hungry crocodiles (be sure to have your crocs spayed or neutered...hey, my first PSA).

2005-05-12T22:43:00.000-07:00

Welcome to SCAPTV. Reality shows are everywhere, but I'm tapping into a whole new market, the domestically challenged. I know, SOOOO politically incorrect. But my shows help the homeless, so as long as they're on the street, I'm gonna exploit them!! You've already been introduced to Pimp My Cart, now for the rest of my line-up:

We take two homeless people, and let them trade cardboard boxes for an afternoon of design and decorating hijinx. Tempers flare when cans get stolen and urination occurs. Weekdays at 3pm

10 bums, one intersection island. Contestants compete to remain on the island and to win the grand prize of a two-story refrigerator box and $25 gift certificate to ABC Liquor.

When a homeless person leaves his alley, we step in and hook them up with a newly designed box and alleyway garden.

OK, if my ticket to hell wasn't already printed before this ........

Flat Iron Crisis 05

2005-05-12T21:00:00.000-07:00

, originally uploaded by slowchildrenatplay.

SCAP has learned that an unknown terrorist group is claiming credit for the recent flat iron abduction from Dashababy. This is the only photo from the terrorist group.

Details to follow.........

2005-05-11T10:52:00.000-07:00

OK, networks....Kristine needs some better TiVo choices. As usual, I'm offering my help. Over the next few posts, I'll throw a few ideas out there that will guarantee some ratings. First up, "Pimp My Cart".

One of the big complaints from the homeless(other than being homeless, cold, and hungry) is the poor quality of shopping carts. These aren't your homeless grandparents' American steel shopping carts....these are Asian alloy and plastic carts that offer little in terms of functionality or attractiveness on today's homeless scene. These things might get you from Produce to Dairy, but try taking one over the curb with a sleeping bag, one-eyed dog, and Glad-bag full of aluminum cans. Yeah right, it'd be easier just to go get a real job! Thats where "Pimp My Cart" steps in.

For one week, we'll borrow some bum's rolling crib and turn that mutha outtttt. At my custom cart customizing garage, West Coast Shoppers, we'll hook up the cart with everything from plasma tv's to neon curb lights.

Yo, SCAPTV, PIMP MY CART!!!

2005-05-10T09:14:00.000-07:00

OK, so last week I got my big break.....the part I was born to play. When one of our techs called me and told me I had the personality of a blood drop, I just KNEW. For our annual blood drive, my work needed someone to play Drippy the Blood Drop. Everyone said it was because no one else would do it, but I knew destiny when I saw it. I imagine this must have been the feeling that the non-Keanu guy felt when Bill And Ted's Excellent Adventure fell into his lap. So I put on the costume and walked through my building. The reactions and exchanges varied.

"Oh, an M&M!!!"
"No, I'm a blood drop."
"Oh, OK. Is the blood drive today?"
"No, all my other clothes were dirty."

"Hey guys, guess which gang I'm representing?"
"Huh?"
"Never mind. The blood drive's today."

Me running out of the elevator like the blood from "The Shining" for a repairman. He didn't get it.

My audience (State workers for a popular West Coast state that Sacramento is in) obviously couldn't keep up with my material. So I decided to go outside and stand next to the blood drive sign and balloons. I could wave at cars, convince people to stop and donate blood, thereby saving lives. I was going to be a hero.

I went outside and almost tripped into some shrubs, where I would have been trapped like an overturned turtle. Luckily, my catlike reflexes and balance kept me upright. I waved to the left, waved to the right. I got the occasional wave, a few honks, one middle finger (must have been one of those pompous marrow donors), and a carload of teenagers yelling "Heyyyyy Kool-Aid!!!" I would have flipped them off but my Scott Sabol-like gloves only have four fingers. One car stopped, and a couple of guys donated. My work was done.

Until the Academy starts the Oscar-hype machine, I think I'm going to relax, take some time off. Kristine, tell Leno I'm holding out for Conan.

2005-05-07T23:57:00.000-07:00

, originally uploaded by slowchildrenatplay.

I just wanted to say thanks to my best friend for being such a great mom to my kids....ok, and to me sometimes. I told you today that every day is Mother's Day for you, and its true. We appreciate you everyday. I am so thankful that your heart is big enough for all of us. You opened your home, and lowered your walls so that we could make this work. My kids have never been happier, and I owe that to you. I can't imagine my kids doing as well, or being as happy, anywhere else. Elizabeth Hurley still ranks a close second, but you have killer water pressure in the shower and we did just sign that cell-phone contract.

I love you very much....Happy Mother's Day, Kristine!! And to all you other Mothers out there, especially the Fonz and Kath, have a GREAT Mother's Day.

History of Shaun, Part One

2005-05-07T01:28:00.000-07:00

I was born a poor black child. Ok, maybe not, but I WAS born in Oakland, CA in 1969. My dad was in the Navy, and my mom's hair remained tall and proud in protest of the rapidly ending sixties.

Shotly after I was born, my parents bought a quaint little cottage in lovely South Sacramento (OK, it was actually more like the JV version of Oakland....Oakland Lite, maybe). I visited the house a few years ago, and it was painted red and black. True. I can tell my children that I grew up in a Nike.

For some twisted reason, I can still remember the address and phone number of that house. Might have something to do with the way parents drilled that into you as a kid in the 70's....like those damn Schoolhouse Rock tunes (sorry to those of you are singing "Conjunction Junction" or "I'm just a Bill" now). Anyhow, this was the home of my formative years:

I learned the lyrics of my favorite singer and future Mrs. Shaun, Miss Toni Tennille, by playing the record over and over and writing as fast as I could.

When I slept, I faced away from The Bad Wall, the wall in my room that gave me nightmares and that will be a Stephen King movie someday.

I watched baseball games and monster movies with my dad. King Kong played every summer, don't think I ever missed it.

I made forts out of bed sheets and our kitchen table and chairs.

My dad made a life-size Frankenstein for a book report for college literature.

I played....outside, with no electronic assistance. Just me and my Big Wheel. Maybe there'll be a Big Wheel game on XBox soon, so my son can share the same experience.

I remember catching a bee, drowning it in the bathroom sink so I could examine it under my new microscope, then stinging myself with the dead bee. Apparently bees make honey and karma, most schools don't tell you that.

I watched the Flintstones, The Brady Bunch, and The Electric Company (fyi for those of you nice enough to still be paying attention, Spider Man in The Electric Company was played by a young actor named Morgan Freeman). I cried at the end of the Mickey Mouse Club everyday, when they sang the song slowly..."M-I-C, see ya real soon...K-E-Y".....Steve Austin (Six Million Dollar Man) was my hero because he was cool and one of his girlfriends (Farrah Fawcett) was named Major Wood on the show......how fitting! The Bionic Woman sprouted up later, but I always felt like she was too clingy. She must have only cost $5 million to make.

I saw Star Wars twice at the theater, and met Darth Vader at Mervyn's during a promotional event. Darth seemed shorter than he looked in the movie, and I think Mervyn's must have had some policy against using the Force and/or Light Saber in the store, because Darth was actually nice enough to let us take polaroids of him. You'd think he would have worried about the Jedi learning of his location.

I took regular baths with twin girls that lived next door. REGULARLY. Like, they were scheduled. I still don't know how this seemed in any way appropriate by our parents, and I certainly don't remember how I broached the subject. Finding twins to bathe with became more diffult in my teen years, but thanks to Lisa and Renee for the kindergarten pimp status!! Bow-chik-a-bow-bow.

Part Two will delve into my bed-wetting, fire-starting, and dismemberment of creatures larger than bees. And hair, oh God the hair.

2005-05-05T20:49:00.000-07:00

Our girls' 6th grade class has been sending letters to Dennis since he arrived in Afghanistan last year. He's enjoyed reading the letters and has passed them along to other troops for their enjoyment.

Today, he visited his little sisters and fellow pen-pals at school. He forgot his boots, so he wasn't able to attend in uniform, as he'd hoped to do. It didn't matter. He had the attention, and respect, of the entire class.

For an hour, he answered questions about weapons and vehicles and life in the army....but mostly questions about food. He got more sympathy when he told them that he ate cafeteria food, like they do, only THREE times a day(yuck, even the pretend tuna on a bagel), than he got when he told them about rocket attacks and land mines. Most of the kids' questions were very impressive, but he got the most enjoyment answering some of the more detailed questions with an "I'm not able to talk about that" answer. Ooooh, top secret army stuff. Now he REALLY had their attention.

At the end of the meeting, they took a class picture with their new hero. When they asked him for his autograph, he was blown away. I couldn't have been prouder, and I don't think he could either.

2005-05-02T22:44:00.000-07:00

, originally uploaded by slowchildrenatplay.

We have nicknames like Smokes, Gunther, and Sk8r Boi. Half the team smokes, some drink before the game, and we generally suck. The pre-game pep talk consisted of them deciding who needed to talk to the police first about the bar fight that sent our pitcher to the hospital last weekend. Those of us not involved aren't even phased by the conversation.

We play in a men's softball league at a now-defunct former Air Force Base on a field with sharp chain linked fences and holes in the outfield. I'm the oldest on the team, and I'm the fastest guy. All of these factors mean we rarely win. The Bad News Bears ain't got nothing on us.

We played tonight and lost to a team of guys wearing jeans. Jeans. Like they decided to play some ball while they were on break from work. And they beat the crap out of us. Wearing jeans. Thank God they had shoes on.

2005-05-01T02:04:00.000-07:00

, originally uploaded by slowchildrenatplay.

You'll have to excuse my absence from Blogville over the last few days. My dad is in the hospital after suffering a heart attack. While he's still there, it looks like it was treated quickly enough to limit the damage to his heart. We'll know more soon.

Scary stuff, obviously. No word on whether the recent Pope Idol and/or Constantine drama had anything to do with his heart attack. Actually, we joked about Constantine's departure while he was still in the ER. Of course, he was also on Morphine and explaining to me what a good idea it was to have moving air vents on the ceiling for the patients (it wasn't moving....but I played along). Also, 'Advancement Preferences' is the new PC term for putting in writing any restrictions you want placed on life support issues. My Dad said his preference was to not die. Good enough for me.

He laughed when Kristine showed up with a box of Jujubes (Seinfeld reference that he appreciated), and laughed again today when he and my son watched and did a little play-by-play of pro bowling on tv. He's the funniest man I've ever known. He laughs a lot, and I'm glad that it looks like he'll still be laughing with me for awhile.

Thanks for all the kind words and prayers, especially to the bestest jujube-getting girlfriend ever. Having an 'in' with the Pope is paying dividends already.

2005-04-27T22:30:00.000-07:00

, originally uploaded by slowchildrenatplay.

April 27, 2006-

The crew of Where Are They Now has found another one-hit wonder. Constantine, the ousted Greek-God from 2005 AI fame, is now super-sizing his talents in Des Moines, Iowa.

The staff of Burger City couldn't be happier. At least twice a month, fans recognize him, forcing the manager to keep his prized soon-to-be assistant manager in the limelight, the drive-thru.

"Hey, man. I still have a microphone, and NO ONE rocks the deep fryer like I do", said Constantine.

"A few months ago, Bo came through on tour, and he ordered shakes for his entire entourage. It was pretty cool, we got free passes to his show and he even signed my name tag. Not sure if he remembered me though."

YEAH!!!!!!!!!

2005-04-25T23:13:00.000-07:00

, originally uploaded by slowchildrenatplay.

My stepson Dennis is almost home on leave from Afghanistan. Tomorrow afternoon he'll actually be here. I know the military isn't for everybody (like me, for example), but damn if this kid didn't grow up and mature so incredibly quickly. I'm VERY VERY proud of him, can't wait to spend some time with him before he goes back. Welcome home, big guy!!!

It.....is.....OVER

2005-04-23T17:17:00.000-07:00

Wow!!! In one of the most incredible comebacks in Papal history, the Fonz pulled away with late voting to topple favorites Samuel L and Oprah.

The Vatican released white smoke (which means the Fonz, Kristine, and Kathy were inside), and the bells rang. The crowd gathered as the Fonz was introduced as the new leader of the Catholic church, Pope Sophie I.

Congratulations Fonz!!!

2005-04-20T21:09:00.000-07:00

This is the moment you've been waiting for.....me to stop this seemingly endless series of Pope Idol posts!! Thats right, the painfully monotonous competition is nearing its end. In just a moment, the choice will be yours, world. First, lets go to our judges for their final opinions.

Teresa, of the remaining six contestants, who do you think should be wearing the funny hat?

Oh, Shaun....really, it should be you up there. You sacrifice computer time to your Bestest Girlfriend for her blogging needs. You replace toilet paper when needed. And don't get me started on your grilled cheese sandwiches....

Teresa, sweetie.....thanks, but this thing realllllly needs to ends now. The Flickr account is filled with weird photos of Samuel Jackson and Martha Stewart instead of my own children!! Now, of the REMAINING SIX, who should win?

I love them all. At this stage, they are all winner's on God's eyes (Jesus rolls his eyes and runs his fingers through his hair in frustration). I love you all.

OK, whatever, Teresa. Rev. Jesse, can you make a solid decision?

Yo, Shaun. I thought you forgot about me, dawg. On the occasion I've had to consider the religious ramifications of each of our potential pontiffs, I've determined that a strong black man in the robe would unite the world. So my vote would be for Poprah. She started off shaky, but those boobs are tha bommmmmmmb, dude!!

Yeahhhh.......all righty. Jesus?

Shaun, I think these two are nuts. (Crowd boos and Teresa elbows Jesus in the arm) If I'm being honest with you, and I AM Jesus, none of these contestants are nearly as qualified as Pope JP Deuce, our last winner. When he won in '78, he finished strong with an amazing acapella version of Rapper's Delight. And THAT was after beating Ricardo Montalban in the dune buggy race and topping Cheryl Ladd in the roller-skating limbo contest. JP2 was a real Pope, and I'm not sure that these contestants measure up. (Crowd boos again). If I had to vote, I guess I'd have to go with Samuel L.

OK, world. You've seen the contestants. You've made your comments. Now, vote!! I believe you can only vote once per computer, so you'll have to be creative if you want to vote mulitple times. Feel free to comment along with your vote, if you'd like. I'll total the votes in the next couple of days and announce the winner. Then I'll get back to posting about regular boring stuff instead of made-up boring stuff. So vote, and remember these are NOT 800 numbers....they're actually not numbers at all.
Shaun ouuttttttttttttttt.

2005-04-19T20:43:00.000-07:00

Welcome back to the Pope Idol Finals. We've just welcomed back the Fonz and completed our swimsuit competition. Now for the formal Popewear..............

World, your contestants...........

ok, everyone.......the polls will be open soon(Next post, actually). Take a final look at your favorites. Shaun ouuuuuttttttttttttt.

Oh, for the LOVE OF GOD!!!!!!!!

2005-04-18T12:37:00.000-07:00

OK. OK. OK. The Vatican is buckling under the enormous groundswell of support for The Fonz. After conferring with Jesus, Mother Teresa, and Rev. Jesse, we are proud to announce the resurrection of the Fonz in Pope Idol. If that weren't enough, the Fonz actually sent in her own bathing suit photo to catch up with the other contestant. Welcome, back Fonz. Pope-a-mundo!!

2005-04-17T21:44:00.000-07:00

Welcome back World.....here we are, the Finals of Pope Idol The Finals will be a two-part competition, the swimsuit competition and the Pope Robe competition. Then the decision will be YOURS for the next Pope!!! I'm sure you're all ready for the hot swimsuit action, so awayyyyyyy we go.

Homer is wearing a whiti bikini-style swimsuit from Springfield YMCA.

Madonna is frolicking in a black one-strap suit from CatholicBikinis.com

Samuel L is wearing, well, just black shorts. Lets face it, you're voting for the abs if you vote for Sam.

Oprah is wearing......looks like a minimal suit from the Harpo Collection.

And finally, Bono. Whoa, I was expecting Bono to be in better shape with all the touring and such. OK, well, Bono is sporting a handsome pair of tight black shorts with a faded tank top. The matching blue flip-flops and glasses complete the ensemble.

Now remember, please don't vote until after Part Two, the Pope Robe competition. So until then, Shaun oouuuuuttttt!!!!

2005-04-16T01:10:00.000-07:00

, originally uploaded by slowchildrenatplay.

OK, after a disturbingly violent end to our last round, we move forward.

We are down to the final five. And ths time, bloggers, the decision will be yours. Our judges will remain, but their votes mean nothing now. YOUR votes will decide who the next Pope will be.

Stay tuned, we're thiiiiiiiis close to selecting a winner!! Don't vote yet, you'll get your chance this weekend.

2005-04-15T19:27:00.000-07:00

Tensions are high here in Vatican City. We're down to our last elimination of the round, with Samuel L facing off against Martha. Jesus has chosen the final contest to be the most exciting and disturbing of all. So disturbing, in fact, that we have moved to the dark basement of the Vatican for this one. Ladies and gentlemen, put the kids to bed and prepare for the most final of contests....Russian Roulette!! Two contestants, one gun, one bullet. Picking the winner in this one will be obvious.

A single table sits under a hanging lamp in the basement of the vatican. Jesus places the gun on the table and steps away. From the shadows, Samuel L walks to the table and takes a seat. Martha appears a second later and sits across from him. They stare each other down (Oprah proudly watches on closed circuit tv). Either of you have anything to say?

Samuel L: Shit yeah, I got something to say. See, there's this passage I got memorized, Ezekiel 25:17. "The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who,"

Martha(irritated): Todayyyyyy, Samuel.

Samuel L(pissed): Girl, interrupt me again. Do it, I dare ya. I will lay my vengenance upon thee!!!

Martha opens and closes her fingers and thumb in a mocking talking motion. Samuel picks up the gun.

Samuel L: Bitch, you wanna meet Jesus?

Martha(mockingly): Sam, he's sitting right over there. Can we just get started? Oh, I sprayed the bullet in a cinammon apple scent. I figure it would make for a nicer exit for one of us. It's a good thing.

We've flipped a coin and Samuel L, you're pulling the trigger first. Good luck.
Samuel L sits straight up, puts the gun to his head. He closes his eyes and pulls the trigger.

(click)

Samuel L exhales, open his eyes, and slides the gun across the table. Martha takes the gun.

Martha lifts the weapon to her head, looks Samuel L in the eyes, and pulls the trigger.

(BOOM)

Samuel L's eyes widen as the spray hits him. The bitch and the gun drop to the floor. Samuel L keeps staring at the area where Martha used to be.

Well, uh, that was....uh, different. Samuel L, congratulations. I don't think Martha will be returning to the competition!! (crowd erupts in laughter) Well, thats it, folks. We're down to our final five, where this thing will get REALLY exciting. So until next post......hey, anyone else smell apple pie?.........Shaun ouuuutttttttttttttttt

(Samuel L still sits paralyzed in his chair)

2005-04-14T19:27:00.000-07:00

Mother T has selected Jacko and Oprah for the next elimination. The contest is a simple one, a simple staring contest. They will make eye contact, and the first to break eye contact loses. They must remain seated, other than that, there are no rules. They can do or say anything to break the other's concentration.

The two are seated, and they make eye contact.....the battle is underway.

(Through Pope Idol's time lapse blogography, we advance to highlights of the contest. Out timer lists the minutes and seconds into the staring)

1:12- Oprah's nose shows the first bead of sweat. Between Jacko's low singing of McDonald's songs and that fucked up nose, her concentration on eye contact is difficult.

Things start getting ugly....fast. Each realizes the verbal jabs are the way to go.

1:47- "Look at my hair, Michael. Look at my nose. I'm black, Michael....remember? Rememmmmber?" Jacko winces a little, but maintains staring position.

2:57: "Dr.Phil says you're fat" he says with a little giggle.

3:03: "Your nose is sliding down your face"

Teeth and fists clench on each side. Beads of sweat roll.

3:12: "Oprah, why is Stedman grabbing that skinny white woman's ass behind you?"

Oprah fights off a 'black woman head spin', then smiles an evil smile and....

3:40: "Michael, Macaulay and Webster are french kissing behind you. They're looking for you, Michael"

Michael shoots up from the chair and spins around.

"My special friends, where ARE you?!?!"...then he realizes what has happened. His head drops in disappointment, partly for his absent friends and partly for losing.

Jacko, I'm sorry, but you are out. The choir boys you were talking to the other day are waiting for you in the lobby.

One battle left, Samuel L vs. Martha....for now, the quest for Poprah lives on......

Shaun outtttttttt.

2005-04-14T17:53:00.000-07:00

2005-04-12T23:29:00.000-07:00

OK, folks. Rev. Jesse likes to keep his competition simple almost as much as he loves a big ol' ass. So in a biblical battle of bootay, its J-Lo vs. Homer. Biggest butt stays.

J-Lo looks awfully confident, and who can blame her with that trademark caboose. But Homer's old school, with decades of Duff Beer and jelly donuts on his resume (and shirt....d'oh!!).

The butts are in position, and Jesse measures......and, whooooooa!!! Its not even close! Homer's gigantic bumper has dropped J-Lo's ass quicker than she dropped Ben Affleck's!!

Amazing!! And just like that, J-Lo is gone. There she goes now....slowwwwly walking away......almost gone....jusssst about out of the room....oh, sorry.

Homer, great job!! That big butt of yours is getting to the next round!!

Until next time.....

Shaun outttttttttt

CONTROVERSY!!!!!!!!!!

2005-04-12T09:45:00.000-07:00

Well fans, Pope Idol has been rocked by scandal. In our last episode, The Fonz defeated Bono in one of the most dramatic Catholic Karate finishes ever. Apparently, violence is nothing new to The Fonz.

According to an unofficial news report(forwarded to us by an anonymous fan who only identified herself as "Cat"), The Fonz attacked dreamy, puppydog-eyed Constantine(a contestant on a Pope Idol-like knockoff show on another network) at a concert on April Fools Day, 2004. The report only made news recently because of the incredible writing and photographic skills (word on the street says Pulitzer Prize is looming) and because of Constantine's inexplicable existence on an actual TV show. Now, the focus has turned to the attacker. The Fonz reportedly went beserk upon the onset of Constantine's "I Think I Love You" and attacked the Greek God, knocking all the veneers from his teeth.

Further research indicates The Fonz was a legendary underground bar fighter back in the 70's in rural (ok, redneck) Northern California. To date, she is the only woman to be kicked out of the Hell's Angels for violence.

Because of this issue, Pope Idol must say goodbye to The Fonz. In the interest of fairness, our last contestant, Bono, will be invited back to the competition as soon as his rehab from testicle recovery surgery is completed (ok, by the next post).

This is getting weirder by the minute. Shaun ouuuuuuuuut.

The Fight to Remain

2005-04-11T18:07:00.000-07:00

Tensions are high and the competition is heating up. The next competition was chosen by Jesus. Jesus, tell us what is in store.

Jesus: As a big fan of movies from the 80's, I chose a competition to reflect this. I loved "The Karate Kid", so the competition I chose is a Karate bout between two of our finalists. After careful consideration, I selected a bout between Bono and The Fonz. We'll follow the rules of the All Valley competition that Daniel-San won twenty years ago (yes, the movie came out in 1984...damn I feel old). the first fighter to reach three point wins.....and the loser goes home like the Cobra Kai did.

Well, there you have it. Our producers have obviously listened to the Catholic outcry regarding the lack of violence in recent church history. Bono vs. The Fonz.........next!

(insert gay music video commercial for new Pope Cola featuring the remaining nine contestants singing in a 50's Diner)

We cut to Vatican Dojo, home of such historical Papal matches as Pope Sixtus IV vs a young unranked Innocent VIII in 1484 and possibly the greatest Catholic Karate match of all time, Clement XIV vs. Pius VI in 1775, in a match better known as the Holy War. In white, we have Kristine's Mom, aka The Fonz, practicing her roundhouse kicks. In black, we have Bono jumping up and down with nervous energy.

The referee instructs the two to shake hands, steps between the two, then signals for the start of the match. The crowd cheers for their favorites as the two measure each other. Bono shoots forward to punch, but the Fonz avoids the punch and connects with a kick to Bono's ribs.

Point to Fonz! Fonz 1-0

Bono clutches his side and regroups. The two fighters reset and are signalled to begin. A few wild punches and kicks miss before Fonz connects with a blow to Bono's jaw, knocking off his orange sunglasses.

Fonz 2, Bono 0

Bono walks to the edge of the mat and notices his orange glasses are broken. He looks at the Fonz with fury and walks back to his mark. At the signal, Bono runs at the Fonz, and with a bitch-move, kicks her in the side of the knee, sending the Fonz tumbling to the ground. The crowd goes nuts, booing and screaming at Bono. Jesus throws a can of Pope Cola.

Fonz 2, Bono 1.

The Fonz limps the her mark as the two fighter reset. The signal is given, and the two square off. After a lunge forward by the Fonz, Bono sweeps her leg with a kick, sending the Fonz reeling to the ground in pain. The crown is incensed, furious with the U2 frontman. The Fonz signals for a timeout.

Well folks, how's this for excitement? The Fonz, once up 2-0 in this contest, needs a timeout to hold off a furious rally by Bono. In a battle sure to be historic, stay tuned......Pope Idol will be right back.

(insert commercial for the new reality show, "Survivor:Intersection", where a group of homeless people compete for the ultimate prize: a custom two-story cardboard box and sign-making kit. As the competition progresses, contestants are voted off the concrete island)

We're back folks, an the next point will decide who stays and who goes. We're tied up at 2-2. Lets go back to the action.....

Bono takes his mark, fists clenched and ready to pounce.....The Fonz has her back to Bono, breathing carefully. She turns around with both hands above her head. She slowly lifts one knee and stands balanced in this position. The referee signals, Bono rushes in as The Fonz jumps, kicks, and strikes Bono right in his rosary beads. Bono crumbles to the ground and the crowd rushes the stage.

Fonz 3, Bono 2....WINNER!!!!

The Fonz yells over the crowd "Hey, Jesus, WE did it!!" as Jesus smiles and nods in approval.>

WOW WOW WOW....in a huuuuuge upset (OK, it upset Cat), The Fonz has eliminated Bono, one of the favorites, early in the competition. In hindsight, Bono's choice to wear black probably wasn't a good omen. But there you go, world.....THIS is what separates Pope Idol from all the pretenders. We're down to eight.......until next time..........

Shaun ouuuuutttttt

Weiner Lose

2005-04-10T19:44:00.000-07:00

Ladies and gentlemen, the dreams of one of our contestants ends tonight. No more biblical tests or vows of abstinence. Anyone can do that. Our producers want to test the physical, mental, and emotional skills for Pope Idol. Mother Teresa has selected a hot dog eating contest as the first match-up of our finals....Elton John vs. Madonna in an all out battle of weiner gobbling divas.

Teresa, was first gained fame by her chain of Calcutta Hot Dog stands before becoming a saint, thinks this mind over matter contest will truly test endurance and gag reflexes.

Sir EJ and Madonna sit side by side, each studying the plate of 100 hot dogs in front of them. The contestant who swallows the most weiners in a minute advances in the competition. The loser goes home.

The Bell rings as the clock ticks down from one minute. The crowd cheers for each contestant. Each has adopted a strategy. EJ squeezes his target's buns before swallowing, while Madonna prefers to take multiple weiners at a time.

The contest is now getting ugly. Buns and stray weiners a thrown askew as the final bell rings. Each contestant falls back into their chair in exhaustion.

Teresa observes as two choir boys count the remaining dogs. We have a winner........right after this.

EJ, you are..............(dramatic pause)

going home, I'm sorry. Madonna, you have advance in the competition. According to the final counts, you actually swallowed all of your dogs and 7 of EJ's. Congratulations.....verrrry impressive.

So folks, now we're down to nine. Who's the next to leave? Stay tuned and find out.

Shaun ouuuuuutttttttttt.

The BIG Question

2005-04-08T13:36:00.001-07:00

Contestants, why should you win Pope Idol?

Jacko: Well, as everyone knows, I love everyone. Especially the children. So young, so innocent. As the Pope, I would bring llamas and Ferris Wheels to the Vatican and invite the world's children to visit. There'd be no adults allowed in to corrupt the little ones. We'd play games and have pillow fights, heehee. I giggle just thinking about it. heeheehee...

(Judges stare blankly at Jacko.....Jesus' mouth drops a little).

Martha: I believe I have something to add to the Catholic church. The church is nice, but is very old. It would be quite lovely to add some colorful flowers and trim to the Vatican, especially in springtime. There can never be enough throw pillows. Can you imagine the number of new Catholics when they enter the Cathedral and smell warm almond-poppy muffins and cinnamon-stick ginseng tea? Buy Catholic stock early...I should be the next Pope, it would be a good thing.

Homer: hehehe, Pope. Pope, Pope, Pope. "Pope" is a funny word. Plus, you get free robes and a big hat. Annnnnd, you get to stay at this big place where they have LOTS of Italian food. Marge said I'd have to go to church every Sunday, so that sucks....but LOTS of Italian food. mmmmmmm......they'd make anything I wanted, like they do for the president and Elvis. Pope-A-Roni......mmmmmm, meatballs and noodles shaped like crucifixes.

Oprah: Look, 'judges', I WILL be the next Pope(pointing at judges). I've already put my agent and realtor on the Vatican vacancy, and a bid is being written as we speak. I'm also in the process of trademarking the word "Poprah". I'll apply what I've learned in show biz to the church. When I'm Pope, each Catholic will get a new Honda Civic. Now, I'm a busy woman, so........

(snaps her fingers and Mother Teresa hurries to Oprah with a large tray of Fig Newtons. Oprah looks at her furiously and knocks the tray from Teresa's brittle hands)

Fig Newtons? Fig Freaking Newtons? I clearly demanded Nutter Butters!! Yeah, you're SOME saint. Get me whoever's in charge here...NOW (she storms off the stage)

Fonz: Wow. That was Oprah! (giggle) THE Oprah. She's on the Oprah Winfrey Show, you know!? She probably got that job because the show had her name on it. She's gooooood, though. I really like her. And Homer was here, which is weird because he's a cartoon character on The Sopranos. (looks at judges in recognition) Hey, you're Jesus!!! I have a picture of you, but you're not wearing that black t-shirt in the picture I have. Oh, you're that old lady that lives in the shoe, right? Boy, that must have been tough. Ooooooh, the Reverend Reggie Jackson!!! This is SO cool. I can't wait to tell Kristine about this. She's my favorite daughter, you know.

Madonna: First, my name is Madonna. I am Italian. I have classic grace and presence. I have adapted my style to remain popular for decades. The one thing that has bothered me about the Vatican is that it has always about Catholicism. I mean, would it hurt to mix in another religion every once in awhile? I have been studying various religions over the years, and would love to introduce Kaballah and maybe a touch of Wicca. Christianity is OK, but has anything new happened recently? New religions=New music videos for me.

EJ: Pope Sir Elton John sounds good to me!! I can explain what I would mean to the Vatican in three words: Fab-U-Lous (snapping his fingers in the shape of a Z)!! I mean, woooooooo!!!! Can you imagine? They would be getting a queen and a Pope in one shot. Plus, I look amazing in white.

J-Lo: You would just lovvvvvve me as da Pope. No, for serious, I would be like BAMMM!!! And BOOOM!! No Pope has had an ass like this since Pope Gregory XVI back in like 1840 or sometin. And, could he shake his hips like this (breaks into gyrating dance moves... Jesus covers Teresas eyes)? I dont tink so!!! Heyyyyyyyyyyyy yall. Jenny From The Block as the Pope would be Dope (Licks her finger, touches her ass and makes a sizzle sound).

Samuel L: Mannnnn, I most definitely should be the next Pope. The church has been all soft and gentle lately. Fuck that!!! Man, when I'm the Pope, the Popemobile is gonna be a funky ol Caddy...gonna drive around Vatican City like, 'Thats right, bitch. Who's your Pope?' hehehehe......my Pope hat will say Bad Mother Fucker on it. I will make the church THE place to be, yall can bet on that. Shiiiiiiiit.

Bono: (mumbles incoherently in a super-thick accent)
"In AMERICAN!!!" yells a frustrated Jesus, who runs his hands through his hair and takes a sip of his Coke.

Surry, judges(takes of his yellow lense glasses). Me accent is a bit thick, I suppuse. To be the Pupe would be a great hunur. Like the uthers have said, the cluthes kick ass, the crib is fucking awesome. Id be sure to end all wars and it really shouldn't interefere with our summer tour dates. I dun't think people pray as much in the summer, anyhow. Pupe Bono, baaaaaby.

World, Your Top Ten!!!!

2005-04-07T23:18:00.000-07:00

, originally uploaded by slowchildrenatplay.

Before the competition begins, here's your chance to make any comments or predictions.

2005-04-07T20:59:00.000-07:00

Welcome back. Yesterday we met our men.....now, it's Ladies Night! Lets meet our lovely female finalists.....they are:

Oprah!!!

The Fonz!!!

whoa, wait a minute (music stops)....The Fonz, Kristine's mom? What, seriously? What the fu...whoa, is that a .357? Ummmmmm.....

The Fonz!!!

Martha!!!

J-Lo!!!

Madonna!!!

What an amazing line-up of ladies!! Lets go back to our judges for their comments.

Rev.Jesse: Yo, dude..I'm so proud that these fantastically fabulous finalists of the fairer sex are here!!! The men are aight, but the women are dopem dawg.

Teresa: Awwww, you know I love you all. I knew a woman would be Pope someday, and you lovely ladies fill me with hope. God Bless you!! (stands up and claps with her fingers pointing outward)

Jesus: I think Jesse and Teresa are dipping into the 'holy' water. I'd have better luck finding a female finalist on any street corner in Rome (crowd boos, Jesus waves his hand and locusts invade the room).

OK, Jeeeeeeeesus, OK (swatting bugs)!! Ladies and gentlemen, this IS your top ten. Good luck!!!!!

Shaun ouuuuuuuuut!!!!

2005-04-06T22:43:00.000-07:00

Ladies and gentlemen....after thousands have tried out, we've narrowed our search for the next Pope down to the Final 10. Five men, Five women.

Bloggers, here are YOUR men:

Bono!!!

EJ!!!

Jacko!!!

Homer!!!

Samuel L !!!

Judges, any comments on the male finalists?

Rev. Jesse: Yo, yo, yo my promising pontificators of prose. Dudes, you enlightened me with your righteous and religious rhetoric. It was da bommmmmmb!!

Mother Teresa: I love you all. I'm big fan of you young men. Peace and love fill my heart when I see you.

Jesus (looking crazily at Teresa): Ummm, what? If I'm being honest with you, I don't know what you men are doing here. None of you are religious at all, and one of you is a cartoon character. I'd say the world is in trouble.

Wellllll.....(rolling my eyes)Ok, Mr. Almighty, we'll see if the audience agrees with you soon enough.

No voting yet, please. Tomorrow, the women will be announced and the competetion will begin!!

Shaun ouuuuuttttttt.

I need help

2005-04-06T11:15:00.000-07:00

, originally uploaded by slowchildrenatplay.

I was just planning on using our beloved AI contestants for Pope Idol, but I like the suggestions of Madonna, Bono, etc., being in the competition. So before this thing starts, I need some contestants.

Madonna and sweaty Bono are IN. Please recommend one celebrity in a comment for me. I'll take the first five good suggestions, and add three of my own for Pope Idol's Top Ten.

2005-04-05T13:28:00.000-07:00

Welcome back world!! We're coming live from the Vatican..It's been 25 years since our last show, and its good to be back. Tony Orlando wasn't available to host this time, so I'm proud to have the honor.

First off, I'd like to pay my respects for our last winner, Karol Wojtyla, who rose from unknown Polish priest to win Pope Idol back in 1978. Rest in peace, Pope JP2.

Now, Catholics, buckle your seatbelts and grab your rosaries. It's time for Pope Idol 2005 (insert theme music).

We've changed the rules since our last show. Because of the College of Cardinals' steroid scandal recently, no longer will the Papal vacancy be filled through such formal actions. You, the viewing audience, will choose our next Catholic Crusader.

Piggybacking on the success of our network's 'other' show, we've brought your favorite contestants from Hollywood to Vatican City.

Our esteemed panel of judges, Rev. Jesse Jackson, Mother Teresa, and Jesus Christ are here, so give it up for them!!

The crowd has gathered, and everyone's praying for their favorites....the competition begins NOW.

Shaun ouuuuuuuut.

2005-04-05T11:58:00.000-07:00

I have found my cause. After doing some research, it has come to my attention that Humor Deficiency Syndrome (HDS)* affects thousands of people each year, many in our own backyard.

To date, scientists have found that the only treatment (other than euthanasea) is steady doses of humor. Usually those afflicted resist humor being injected directly into their system. Those extreme cases are now my cause.

Desperately neurotic and pathetic housewives, with no contact other than your fingertips to your keyboard, I am your Sally Struthers.

This won't be easy, and at times during our rehab you'll hate me, even question your faith in God, but we will get through this....together.

*this condition is actually not real, I made it up. Sometimes people do that to be funny. This will be explained in Step 7 of our program

Overdosing

2005-04-03T19:22:00.000-07:00

stupid pills, originally uploaded by slowchildrenatplay.

People are stupid. We all know this, but sometimes reminders are nice. For example, if someone posts a fake article ON APRIL FOOL'S DAY about a famous contestant on a famous reality show, and you get genuinely upset by this, you are pathetic. REALLY.

If your emotional reaction to a JOKE is to actually take the time to e-mail anyone and everyone, you're pathetic. If you're stupid enough to get fooled for more than a minute or two by a fake news story, you shouldn't be allowed to operate a computer or vote for anythingm ever. When your adult education school votes for its prom king/queen, I don't want a ballot near you.

Honestly, for anyone whose interests, appearances, logos, etc were used in a manner other than your intended purposes, I apologize. They were used in an innocent manner as a private joke.

If you have no DIRECT interest to my news story parody, fuck off. The apology doesn't extend to you.

2005-03-31T21:22:00.000-08:00

Whooaaaa.......CRAZY shit happening to one of my favorite shows. Within a day of each other, two AI heartthrobs (lol) may be getting the boot for past crimes.

First, the White Ruben has a past domestic violence arrest hit the press. Then, despite Cat's appeals to the Supreme Court, I Can't Believe Its Not Butter toothed Constantine has his Greek-God name tarnished by an arrest from only a year ago (fight with an angry fan, they must not have liked hardcore Partridge Family songs).

Crazy, crazy shit. Next we'll find out that Trach Boy's scar is really from a knife fight with Carrie from when they were both getting intiated into the Bloods in Compton.

Make Your Own Constantine

2005-03-29T21:41:00.000-08:00

, originally uploaded by slowchildrenatplay.

1 part Gary Sinise (unshaven)
1 part Chris Kattan (creepy version)
1 part Jaclyn Smith (hair conditioned)
1 part yellow-beige toothpaste
0 parts talent
Blend well, add scarf if desired

Sorry Cat, but this guy's just plain creepy now. I've never wanted to brush and floss a TV screen before. With every hair-tuck, head-down-with-the-puppy-dog-eyes-look, and smoker's smile, I go a little more angry. The lame songs don't help. Isn't he supposed to be a rocker??

Uggghh....anyone know how to get Crest off of a TV screen?

2005-03-28T15:41:00.000-08:00

, originally uploaded by slowchildrenatplay.

Whewwwwww......that was interesting.

After seven hours of "How much farther?"'s, we finally got to Disneyland. Our van looked like a snow globe that had the fake snow replaced by cheeze-its, video cables, and Polly Pocket dolls.

Three days of Disneyland were basically this:

-Wake up, spend 45 minutes trying to find socks.

-Jockeying for position to make the first motel shuttle to Disneyland.

-Lining up for rides, trying to convince the freaked-out Shea that the rides wouldn't kill her.

-Saying "NO" to every question

-Me doing Goofy or Mickey voices

Now repeat that for three straight days. It was AWESOME!!! We had a great time, blog fodder for awhile. Now I must sleep.

2005-03-22T18:19:00.000-08:00

, originally uploaded by slowchildrenatplay.

We leave in the morning for the happiest place on earth. Two adults, five kids, one mini-van. We don't all expect to make it back alive.

If we're lucky, we'll avoid torrential rain. But....rain=shorter lines, so its really a no-lose scenario. I'm just hoping to get some good people watching pics. Maybe I'll get lucky and spot an asian or two.

So until Sunday, blog amongst yourselves. Being as considerate as I am, here's some topics to get you started:

-Kristine's birthday gifts. She likes sparkly stuff. Mail today and it'll be in the mailbox waiting for her.

-How much longer can yellow-toothed Gary Sinise look-alike Constantine survive on American Idol? Did Mario leave because of a potential steroid scandal?

-When a kids shoots and kills nine people in middle school, does it still go on his permanent record? I'm guessing some of the Ivy League schools would frown upon that sort of thing.

Well, I've done it....I've mixed Disneyland and school shootings in the same post. My work is done. See ya Sunday.

2005-03-20T22:08:00.000-08:00

Its dark and rainy outside. The thunder rattles the monitor and the lightning flickrs (pun intended) through the window blinds.

I'm lamely posting about my laundry exploits, and Blogger just posts on its own. Three times. I didn't click anything, did nothing. In the middle of typing, just decided enough was enough and posted. I had to go in and delete two of the three posts.

Working on the remaining post, and the photos just vanish from the blog. Poof. Gone. I go back in and replace them, then the angry Blogger posts again on its own. Only twice this time.

I sprinkle holy water across the keyboard and fix it again.

"The power of blogs compels thee!! The power of blogs compels
thee!!"

The monitor turns completely around. Yahoo Messenger pops up and says horrible things about my mother. The computer desk shakes and violently jumps up and down.

Then, calm. The blog seems ok, is only listed once, and I think is grammatically correct (didn't push my luck spell-checking). Of course, this happens when I'm alone and its dark outside. I'll never fall asleep now.

Partaaaayyyyy!!!!!!

2005-03-20T21:31:00.002-08:00

, originally uploaded by slowchildrenatplay.

With Kristine and the kids gone, I'm finally able to let loose and have a crazy night!!! Boy is she gonna be pissed when she finds out about tonight (our little secret....so shhhhh)!!

I had whites....I had darks....delicates...it was INSANE!! I can't believe they put a freaking surveillance camera in there. Caught me with a whole freaking bottle!! I'll probably end up on the internet...sorry mom and dad!!

A little while later I got wayyyy brave and decided to get down and dirty. Man, its like I was another person. Sorry honey!!!

I'm embarrassed and ashamed. But oh well....what happens in the laundry room STAYS IN THE LAUNDRY ROOM!!!!! woooooooo hoooooooo!!!!!!!!!

2005-03-19T15:21:00.000-08:00

We enter the kitchen/family room.

Kristine is blogging away about something that will make other people cry. She is distracted from the glowing monitor by movement from across the darkened room. A cold chill runs down her spine as the overhead lights flicker. She is facing the cold, demonic eyes of a field mouse. The visitor is peeping up from the bowels of hell (ok, just from the oven burner). Kristine grabs for her weapon and fires. Shot after shot, and the rodent shrugs them off and returns to its firey home, vowing to return for her.

Kristine: I'm not afraid of you, you little bitch (only half confident of her statement).

Shaun enters the room after a hard day of manual labor. He sets down his construction hardhat and notices Kristine. She is still at the PC, but transfixed on the demon lair across the kitchen.

Kristine: Kill...the... bitch... Shaun.

Shaun: Damn you, Kristine. Don't make me do this. I'm telling you the same thing I told the Navy SEALs. I'm done killing. Have you ever had to look into the eyes of a dying field mouse? Have you?!?

He tries to turn away as Kristine stands and grabs him by his bulging biceps.....

Kristine: I'm so scared, Shaun. I just want her....dead. I watched that thing take shot after shot from my D-70, and it didn't even budge. Kill the bitch, Shaun. KILL IT.

(Their eyes meet and his knowing nod assures her that he will do what must be done to protect her)

He kisses her goodbye, grabs the keys to his Harley, fires it up and leaves for supplies for the final battle. Fighting off memories he swore he'd never relive, he purchases a two-pack of Victor mouse traps. He's going old-school on her rodent ass.

He loads up both traps, one with cheese and the other with peanut butter, and stealthly places them in the oven area.

Somewhere in the darkness of night, a snap echoes through the house. The little bitch got greedy, and her final meal was a taste of peanut butter and the taste of cold steel snapping her to death.

Shaun 1, mouse 0.

DAMN

2005-03-16T23:10:00.000-08:00

, originally uploaded by slowchildrenatplay.

Its the night before St.Patricks Day AND the NCAA Mens College Basketball Tournament....and I'm blogging about my high school hair. Pathetic. But Bad Hair Thursday demnds it.

Its 1987, and everyone is walking like an Egyptian and Wang Chung-ing through this latter part of the 80's. Debbie Gibson and Tiffany were Britney and Christina. High hair is in, and my hair was no exception. Starting in the Mountain Time Zone, my hair increases altitude, clearing the cranial region. After a cruising altitude of 5'11", it begins the rapid descent towards my right temple and Northern California. It finishes nicely with a soft, feathery plateu above ear level. The golden glow of my Sun-In'd mane, in contrast to the shorter, darker, and "gelled for no reason" shorter hair on the sides and back, completed the look.

Thank God my parents forced me to wear a generic suit on picture day or I'd be explaining the paisley Generra shirt, the rolled pants legs, or the bolo tie. Really, it was that bad. Funny to think that the freaks with the shaved heads look the most fashion conscious now.

So unless VH1's "This is the 80's" series hits volume 17, this is probably your only shot to see the 'do. Also a rare shot of my Cindy Crawford mole that was removed sometime during that school year.

Geez, I can't stop looking at those amber waves of vain. I'm going to go work on my college basketball selections, try to block it out.

Everybody have fun tonight. Everybody Wang Chung tonight......now its stuck in your head too.

Lekfullet Veckoslut!! (Good Weekend!)

2005-03-13T16:53:00.000-08:00

(In my best bad Swedish accent)

Yaaaaa,
Ve had a great weekend. Our trip to da Bay Area was awesome. Kristine will blog about San Francisco, I'll stick to da trip to da IKEA store.

Once inside, ve had our usual fun shopping. A very nice employee, ve'll call him Sven, informed us dat each IKEA product vas actually named for someding....a voman's name, a lake, etc, but dey all had meaning, ya. Of course, dat meant I now had to read all da damn names in addition to looking at everyding!! Ve laughed at da tag for the Tea Kettles dat read : "It Whistles When The Water Boils!"....Ve kept saying dis ova and ova in our best Svedish accests....It Vhistles Ven da Vata Boils!!....of course, we're odd.

Since none of you got to enjoy de fun vith us, I'm posting a little quiz for you. De following are twenty names. Dey are either IKEA products(I) or porn stars(P).

No fair cheating. Reply with your guesses(numbers followed by I's or P's) and I'll post da answers tomorrow.

1. Nautica Thorn
2. Inari Vachs
3. Jana Cova
4. Energi Rock
5. Mika Tan
6. Sabina Slinga
7. Eva Henger
8. Ellen Sno
9. Dralla
10. Blanda Matt
11. Tassa Svans
12. Alvine Bi
13. Lezley Zen
14. Fejka
15. Minka
16. Jutta Smal
17. Anno Felicia
18. Malezia
19. Anekee
20. Katja Kean

jag hoppas att du lyckas!!! (good luck)

2005-03-09T22:54:00.000-08:00

Finally.....the moment that you've all been waiting for, your Flea Market Idol. After searching through literally tens of flea markets across the country for the hottest talent, and after your blog votes have been tabulated, the time has come.

In the last post, we'd shown you our top 13. Now, in no particular order, we give you the top three.......right after this.

(annoying commercial break while the nervous contestants chain smoke and free-base black tar heroine)

And our top three finalists..........

Effie Underwood (crowd woof-woofs as FU front leans her way onstage)

Shelli "Marlboro Red" McKay (stomps out her cigarette and sets down her icee and walks onstage)

(unknown) (slides his giant sword into its sheath and gangsta-strolls on stage, geving Effie a fist pound)

America, these are your three finalists. Before we announce the winner, lets go to our judges for their opinions.........

Randy?

"Yo dogs, what is UPPPPP? You know what man, ya'll did yo thangs up there. You were each a bit pitchy at times, but you were aight."

Paula?

"(tears in her eyes as she stands up and gives a standing ovation) I'm so pround of all three of you. You are all winners in my book. I would be proud to be with any of you at any flea market!!"

Uh-oh, Simon's got that look....Simon?

"Shaun, whaaaat are you wearing? Frankly, I don't know how you haven't gotten stabbed by one of those large NASCAR knives for looking sooooo gay."

Simon, about the final three?

"If I'm being honest with you, I could find better talent in any flea market or swap meet anywhere. They're just not thaaaat good. Sorry."

(unknown slowly slides the sword....)

OK, the votes have been counted, and I've ran this post into the ground, so without further delay, your Flea Market Idol is........

"Marlboro Red"!!!!!!!!!!!!

The snack bar crowd goes crazy and everyone raises their beers and nachos!!!

Shelli, you ARE the Flea Market Idol!!! Shelli, please honor us in singing your soon-to-be-released single "Tracks Of My Arms"!!!!

America, thanks for watching, see you next post.

Shaun, ouuuuutttttttttttttt!!!!!

2005-03-07T22:46:00.000-08:00

, originally uploaded by slowchildrenatplay.

Welcome back!! This season of Flea Market Idol has led to this....the final thirteen contestants. Among this group is this year's Flea Market Idol, who will win over $100 in tools, used cassettes, and gold teeth caps.

Phone lines open at the end of this post, and remember to vote for your favorite flea marketing crooner. Before the lines open, lets recap the final thirteen contestants......

#1- Effie Underwood (Eff-U to her fans). This gangsta rapping GILF won over the country with her stirring rendition of NWA's "Fuck The Police". Her trademark forward lean has become all the rage in inner-city dance clubs.

#2-LaRonda Anderson. The sultry soul sista is the vanilla voice in a Shirley Hemphill package. Bandanas and ponytails never looked so good.

#3-Coo Chi Koo. The 'Yoda' of the competition, Koo's chants are truly unique. His buddhist chant version of "Who Let The Dogs Out" has carried him to the final thirteen.

#4- Billy "No Profile" Chan drives the snack bar honeys wild when this mega-chinned singer belts out his favorite Country songs from the early 80's.

#5- Hector D and his trademark 'condom cap' always gets the crowd in the mood. Feel like lovin on a faux fur rug(aisle 7) under some really shiny brass floor lamps(aisle 12, behind the ceramic giraffes), the soothing sound of Hector will do the trick.

#6-Stretch Potter. The tallest contestant in the group at 7'7", Stretch was discovered singing while hanging the protective tarp over the duct tape booth in an Arizona flea market.

#7-Francis. This peaceful hippie got his start in showbiz as Pee-wee's arch enemy in Pee-Wee's Big Adventure. Talented? I know you are, but what am I ?? Infinity.

#8- (unknown) This jungle-fevered brother is buying a fucking sword. He wanted into the competetion and we were afraid to say no to the Motown Musketeer.

#9-Adwa-Ah-Ahli-Zawaar-Jabeer-The oldest contestant at 112, Jabeer was actually voted out three weeks ago, but we haven't found a translator to inform her. She mostly just walks around anyway.

#10-Shelli "Marlboro Red" McKay- This sexy diva takes lounge singing into the 21st century. Crank and cigarettes sales always skyrocket when Shelli (with an 'i' for the younger crowd) takes the stage/auction stand.

#11- Juan. The underdog of the final thirteen, Juan only performs inside his 1987 Toyota van. When that side door slides open and the golden tones (and Tecate bottles) roll out, you'd think you were in Heaven's Swap Meet.

#12-Cassie Mays- The young hottie of the final thirteen, Mays actually stirred up the conversation around the incense booth when she admitted to having once applied for a junior college class. After an emergency producers session, it was determined she could continue until her MediCal kicks in or her final trimester, whichever comes first.

#13-Emma Jean- This former carnie made state fair folklore years ago when she stopped an out of control Tilt-A-Whirl with nothing but her smoking left foot. She slowed the ride to a grinding halt, saving the lunch of literally dozens. Now she has parlayed her fame into a successful singing career. "The singing port-a-pottie changer" can be heard belting out hits from the Big Band era to today's smoothest jams.

Phone Lines are now open. If you're out of change, the Spanish speaking fruit juice-bar guy with his cart will be by shortly.

Shaun ouuuuuutttttttt!!!!!!!

2005-03-06T20:09:00.000-08:00

header, originally uploaded by slowchildrenatplay.

Because everyone isn't fortunate enough to visit Denio's Flea Market in Roseville, CA, I decided to bring some of their finer products to you via this blog.

From the electronics section (as marked on the pavement by the spray paint), Denio's presents the Daffy Duck Hair dryer. Available for ridiculouthsly low prithes!

Tired of washing socks? Denio's is for you. This is the only retail outlet that actually sells athletic socks by the cord (delivery available)

Like your officially sanctioned NASCAR pocket knife but unhappy about its portability? Again, Denio's to the rescue. These bad boys are a good foot long. Need to split a MGD, now you don't even need to open the can first.

From the extinct animal sculture department, Denios' stable of artists are proud to offer the 'hybrid'. This beautiful sculpture offers the grace of the deer and the work ethic of the donkey(opposite of most of my employees).

and of course, Denio's is known for its universally respected religious collection. For all of you with John 3:16 signs, enjoy the Bethlehem Mangers' throwback home jersey. Made entires of fine mesh, you don't have to be a wise man to recognize this bargain.

"Jesus saves....in to Moses for the dunk"

Fans of the Team will also enjoy the commemorative framed photos of your favorite player (including rare Pope before 'Air Pope John Pauls' became all the rage)

And last, but not least for your fun and holy tailgate parties, be sure to check out the fuzzy blanket immaculate collection. Not sure where Betty Boop falls in line, think its a Mormon thing.

....more Denios action in the coming days.

2005-03-06T19:14:00.000-08:00

Blog Title, originally uploaded by slowchildrenatplay.

Date: March 5, 2005 Time: 1930
Victim reports excessive bleeding from left earlobe. Victim has had ears pierced for less than a week, discovered injury during routine cleaning. Injury appears to be "vewy sewious".

After attempting to stop the bleeding, CSI agent Shaun has discovered that the ear has apparently stopped bleeding, and now has actually hardened on the earlobe in a nail poilsh-like manner. The fact that the only way to remove the 'blood' was with nail polish remover added to the mystery. We closed off the crime scene to investigate.....

the bathroom where the crime took place:

looking a little closer......

Victim Statement: "I Twipped. I was in the bathwoom. I twipped ovew a bwush in the floow. I think I might have hit it on something."

When asked about the possibility that unauthorized nail polish might have been involved, victim adamantly denied any knowledge of said nail polish "unless it was thewe when I twipped"

Since no other witnesses came forward, CSI agents Shaun and Kristine determined that the victim would be allowed to slide since the situation was funny, even though the nail polish on the earlobe, in the handprint on the wall next to the medicine cabinet, and in the medicine cabinet all match perfectly, according to the lab.

Lawbreaker

2005-03-05T10:34:00.000-08:00

, originally uploaded by slowchildrenatplay.

Congrats, Kathy. You're famous now.

my self portrait

2005-03-03T21:20:00.000-08:00

my self portrait, originally uploaded by slowchildrenatplay.

OK, I'm late blogging my self-portrait....here ya go

e-robe

2005-03-02T23:53:00.000-08:00

e-robe, originally uploaded by slowchildrenatplay.

Superman: Kryptonite
Kristine: E-Robe

This pink, fuzzy robe of the devil makes my girlfriend do things. Weird things. I've traced her strange ways back to this Christmas present from my parents.

According to my mom, when Sears ran out of their Craftsman Bob Vila plaid robes, she decided to buy a robe for my honey off satanicdemonpossessedfuzzythings.com. Hey, you can't beat the prices.

Now, e-robe as I call it, is truly a sweet fuzzy robe....until Internet Explorer is opened within five feet of it. The screen is her messiah at that point. Bunnies on unicycles could ride around the kitchen floor, and she would just do the fake head turn that allows her eyes and attention to stick to the screen while she pretends to be paying attention (I get this one often) to anything without a cursor.

This fluffy garment of hell must be stopped. I'll try it on, then maybe I can break the curse of.....

heyyyyyyyy, sofffffft. the glow of the screen is glorious blogging is good hear smoke alarm and sirens but can't leave pinnnk fuzzzzzzzzy

(sarcasm noted)

2005-03-02T23:34:00.000-08:00

, originally uploaded by slowchildrenatplay.

I can't take Jules (aka Nikon D70) to work with me tomorrow. I get to go to the local news station for a project at work, so there's potential for great photo opportunities. Instead I get Matty, the Kodak Jan instead of the Nikon Marcia, so Kristine can concentrate on the Zenga, Guy Dressed As Uncle Sam, pizza, and squirrel photos (notice how you never see the squirrel and the pizza at the same time?? hmmmm).

When I asked her if I could borrow the camera for my mini-adventure, she gave me the look that moms give when they're child is asking to ride on a motorcycle or take up the trapeze. I resigned myself to the correct answer after seeing the fear, and she gave me the 'thank god he's not taking my baby' relief hug.

If that camera ever learns to make grilled cheese sandwiches, I'm history.

Denn

2005-03-01T23:42:00.000-08:00

, originally uploaded by slowchildrenatplay.

This is my stepson, stationed in Afghanistan. I am SOOOO proud of this guy. He's really done so much, so soon, and I really can't wait for him to return home and apply his dedication, discipline, and maturity to his life.

Of course, he still keeps his priorities of girls, Playstation 2, and the Sacramento Kings when we talk!!

Its at least comforting to have the technology to be able to talk to him on the phone and over the internet. I can imagine not knowing how he's doing like families had to do through past wars.

Nothing really interesting or funny to say, just was reading about the Kings and thought about him.

(OK, the map in the background might be a little funny...in case you didn't read it)

Inadequate

2005-03-01T23:18:00.000-08:00

, originally uploaded by slowchildrenatplay.

How in the hell can I compete with this thing?

Next Blogs

2005-02-28T17:45:00.000-08:00

blogs, originally uploaded by slowchildrenatplay.

OK, so I was curious as to the content of other blogs, thought I'd share my findings by listing the types of blogs I found. Clicking "next blog" allowed me a random sampling of the rest of the blog-world. Without spending too much time in them, I've offered a brief synopsis/review of the first 10 next-blogs.

The journey begins with SlowChildrenAtPlay, a clever and witty view on....oh wait, should start with one that isn't mine.

Next blog #1: A guy named frago, written in Italian. Picture of his feet on his profile pic, so Italian foot fetish blogs are the next big thing.

Next blog #2: Holistic Dog Health blog. Are you effing kidding me? Dogs will lick themselves and eat shit and grass, yet treating canines with 'modern' medicines is troublesome?

Next blog #3: First nerdy one of the group. A guy in Washington whose posts are about Bill Gates, his sleep doctor, The Matrix, and Korean Broadband (thought it might be Asian chick group, turned out to be about internet access).

Next blog #4: First LAME sales site. Low mortgage rates. AND orange font. Thinking they might not be doing too well business-wise.

Next Blog #5: Ahhh, the 'intellectual' blog. I was wondering how long it would take before I got to one of these pretentious ass-blogs. The rambling essay on why the internet is dumbing down America. Never mind that without the internet, you'd be scratching your thoughts into the tile of a Chevron restroom wall.

Next Blog #6: Awwwww....the religious blog. I'm pretty much running the gamut of these things. Clouds and angels abound, but two poems and three prayers into it, I fell asleep. An Asian girl band would have added to this blog, in my opinion.

Next blog #7: WHOA.....Iranian vagina blog. Can't honestly say I saw that one coming. Seriously. This one has thrown me off, but I swear its there! Now I know why these women are usually covered from head to toe. Yikes.

Next blog #8:teenage girl blog. All complaints about her friends who aren't friends with her because she's friends with her friends' other friends. I don't know, maybe I'd have understood it better it every other sentence hadspacesbetweenthewords or wAsN't wRiTTen liKe sOme fUckinG oNLine rAnsOm nOtE. Thats why you don't have friends, Beth.

Next blog #9: Australian housewife's blog about herself. Features such hard-hitting topics and drawer knobs and her to-do list(apparently potholes in Australia are frustrating)

Last blog #10: hmmm, was hoping to end with a good one. Just ends up being a travel blog about a Middle Eastern girl skiing in Canada. Blog includes such legendary photo shots as "snow outside as seen through passenger window and side mirror" and "picture of sky when its snowing(aka blank white photo". L-A-M-E. Get caught in an avalanche, or catch Sumar peeing in the snow. You with mittens just isn't cutting it.

So, aside from another 10-20 sales blogs, test blogs, foreign blogs that were omitted, this was the random sampling.

So I don't leave you totally un-entertained, I found a hilarious blog at drunkuncle.blogger.com. Really funny white-trash blog, if you're bored.

Dashababy's Dream Porn

2005-02-26T23:33:00.000-08:00

, originally uploaded by slowchildrenatplay.

OK, so this post is dedicated to today's post at

http://dashababy.blogspot.com/

This full-length DVD for $29.99

Other Throbbin Williams titles you might enjoy:

Good Will Spunking
Huge-manji
Snatch Adams
Death To Coochy
Wet Dreams May Come

Heeeeeeey!!

2005-02-24T23:26:00.000-08:00

Fonzie, originally uploaded by slowchildrenatplay.

OK, so maybe Henry Winkler beat her out for the part originally, but who's cooler now??? Correctumundo.

Wow

2005-02-23T23:25:00.000-08:00

, originally uploaded by slowchildrenatplay.

I know its mostly women who read these things, so SORRY. Today was like a main character getting killed off on your favorite soap opera AND stumbling across a 90% off sale at Victoria's Secret. My Raiders absolutely stole the best wide receiver in football in the afternoon. Within hours, my Kings traded away Chris Webber for the grey poofy stuff you find in a vacuum cleaner bag. Somewhere in there we bought a van. I think. Ughhh.....if my heart could handle this kind of stress I'd still be married!

Just Pathetic

2005-02-21T13:11:00.000-08:00

, originally uploaded by slowchildrenatplay.

We trimmed(ok, sawed through)the dog's matted hair and showered her. Its really not much of an exaggeration to say that more of the dog ended up in the garbage can and shower drain than remains. She looks like pipe-cleaners.

If Ethiopoia is looking for a national dog.....

Artificial Crab

2005-02-19T17:47:00.000-08:00

, originally uploaded by slowchildrenatplay.

OK, so as part of my plea bargain with the District Attorney's office, I need to post an educational blog entry.

While in the grocery store today, I passed the seafood section and the artificial crab caught my eye. Not because I like seafood (I don't), but just because of the purpose of this food. You don't see artificial beef or chicken so whats up with the crab. And why does it look just like the real thing? Maybe I HAVE been eating artificial beef all along. ***sidenote, before I forget...superficial crab would be a good band name***

So I decided to do some research, and found out the following(thanks Google):

The flaky, red-edged faux crab is most likely made of Alaska Pollock. This ugly-ass fish is is the most common fish used to make fake crab, although New Zealand Hoki is also used, and some Asian manufacturers use Southeast Asian fish like Golden Treadfin Bream and White Croaker(another great band name).

The processing of imitation crabmeat begins with the skinning and boning of the fish. Then the meat is minced and rinsed, and the water is leached out. This creates a thick paste called surimi(Japanese for "nasty fish-paste shit").

Many ingredients are added to the surimi to give it a stable form, appealing texture, and crab-like flavor. Sugar, sorbitol(yummy!), wheat or tapioca starch, egg whites, and vegetable or soybean oil can all help improve the form of the surimi. Natural and artificial crab flavorings are added, and some of these flavorings are made from real crab or from boiled shells. Carmine, caramel, paprika, and annatto extract are often used to make the crab's red, orange, or pink coloring.

Just to fuck with the seafood industry, I'm going to invent artificial Alaska Pollock, made with real crab. Well, time for my REAL pot roast.

Mein Kris

2005-02-18T21:30:00.000-08:00

, originally uploaded by slowchildrenatplay.

You try to make a fraulein feel better by killing off der healthy neighbors in the cul-de-sac, and you get grief for it. I get called Nurse Hitler!! VERDAMMT!!!!

so....back to work on my perfect race of NyQuil Nazis. The mass graves of kleenex and toilet paper, the destruction of allied flu medicines, and the financial hardship to the Starbucks and Marlboro Light people, are all part of my master plan!!

MWAHAHAHAHA!!!!

das ende

Yikes!!!!

2005-02-17T22:42:00.001-08:00

, originally uploaded by slowchildrenatplay.

My poor honey.

This cold/flu shit is hitting her hard. I reference the cult classic Evil Dead for the closest comparison. Somewhere in a cabin in the woods, a professor is reciting a passage from Snotmucus, which is Latin for Book of The Flu. Evil flu spirits are awoken from the dead. They have possessed what used to be a beautiful, snotless, vertical woman.

Its times like this when you question God. How could a merciful god allow a pack of rabid wolverines to attack a few defenseless kleenex boxes on our bed? In the dark, I step on wet washcloths and smell Vicks Vaporub. Oh, the humanity!!! This room used to smell like candles....although the wet washcloths were always there.

NyQuil, DayQuil. If there was an MidMorningQuil, it would be in this kitchen half-empty right now. Empty pill packages, little sharp-ass aluminum foil and plastic remnants of our drug supply, now litter our house.

I'm popping Vitamin C and washing my hands like a maniac. After hearing one of her sneezing fits, I actually boiled one of our kids to protect them. I had to rethink the Outbreak-style bedroom door barrier and HazMat suits....all my clothes are in there and I can't work the remote with those big gloves. Guess I'll hve to take my chances.

Wish me luck...oh, we're at Mucus Level Apple-Green right now. Things look safe for me to get to bed.

Yikes!!!!

2005-02-17T22:42:00.000-08:00

, originally uploaded by slowchildrenatplay.

The Boy

2005-02-14T22:30:00.000-08:00

, originally uploaded by slowchildrenatplay.

I love this kid. Its hard to believe the little guy who I used to watch Disney Sing-Along videos with is 14. Its amazing to me to see him become a young man. Sometimes I wonder which one of us is helping and teaching the other. And the kid's sense of humor might be deadly between my dad's genes, me raising him, and Kristine's fine tuning. If they have a Humor Olympics, my money's on this kid for 2008. He's already smarter that me, is just about taller than me (jokes on the difficulty level of either of those two accomplishments are expected), and really could be or do anything. He hasn't realized how uncool it is to hang out with me yet, so I'm milking this time while I can. Its not his birthday, and he didn't do anything abnormally funny or weird. Just wanted to post this during commercials of the show we're watching together while he's supposed to be in bed. Like I said, already smarter than me.

thanks!!

2005-02-13T23:19:00.000-08:00

, originally uploaded by slowchildrenatplay.

Thank you for having such a wonderful daughter!! Watching her with you and Kathy, its so clear why she is who she is, from being goofy to cuddly to being the most loving and caring person I've ever known. If she's going to turn out like you, I definitely have some fun, love, and laughing in my future. HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY, and thanks for the greatest gift of them all.

Honey Badger Day!!

2005-02-13T22:59:00.000-08:00

, originally uploaded by slowchildrenatplay.

I wrote and wrote and finally deleted the whole thing. I really don't want to write anything funny or elaborate here.

I love you VERY VERY much Kristine. You mean the world to me!! You are the BEST.

End of an Era

2005-02-10T23:01:00.000-08:00

, originally uploaded by slowchildrenatplay.

"Dad, can you help me with my math homework?"

"Sure honey.....let me see."

And that's where it ended. I figured I'd be able to at least feign math assistance for my daughter through 9th grade, but it appears that I made it through mid-6th grade. It was good run while it lasted, being helpful.

Now You Know Why

2005-02-09T23:32:00.000-08:00

What the hell kinda scary blue duck bath toy is this?, originally uploaded by slowchildrenatplay.

My parents photocopied me in 1969. I don't mean they invented cloning, and I don't mean I have an identical twin out there. I mean they placed infant Shaun on a big-ass 1969 sedan-sized copy machine and took the first pictures of their squished bundle of joy. At first I thought this was some family version of an urban legend, only other people either gasped or laughed when it came up. It wasn't until my parents eventually produced the old copy that I realized that the hospital had actually released me to these monsters. No baby had eyes this size. The combination of radioactive waves and 60's copier toner obviously affected these peepers. I just thank the Lord that automatic document feeders were a few decades away from being invented or they'd still be pulling bits of diaper from that Oakland copier.

After bravely dealing with that childhood tragedy, I inquired about following abuses. As courageous laughing relatives came forward, I was shown a photo of me at a mere 9 months old (same age as this sexy bathtub photo). In the photo, Baby Shaun is sitting in a baby swing, only there appears to be some fabric obstructing my facial area. When confronted with the photgraphic evidence, my mom laughs and tells me that I would always spit out my pacifier, so she and my dad would plug it in my mouth, then secure it by wrapping a baby blanket around my lower face. How in THE FUCK I even made it to my 'terrible two's' is beyond me. Anyhow, the tremendous pressure placed on my lips by the binky and blanky took its toll, causing abnormally large lips for a child descendant of Caucasia.

I'm sure these flagrant abuses had as much to do with forming my appearance as any genes or DNA did. But aside from the radiation poisoning and attempted suffocations, my childhood was relatively relaxed. My parents are actually wonderful people. I'll have to write more about them, especially as they get older and I have to take care of them....because revenge is coming, and it will be sweet.

So when you go into a Northern California retirement home one day and see an old woman tied to a rocking chair with an old, tattered baby blanket holding in her false teeth as she watches a deranged wide-eyed, big-lipped maniac make photocopy after photocopy of her elderly husband, just walk by and give me an approving smile, knowing that the next day's blog is going to kick some ass!!

2005-02-06T22:36:00.000-08:00

, originally uploaded by slowchildrenatplay.

I'm fairly sure every town has a day or weekend set aside to promote its cultural, historical, and scientific attractions. Sacramento's Free Museum Day was this past Saturday. Now, Sacramento and culture go together like Sacramento and culture, but free is free, and when you've got kids, you jump at these opportunities. Kristine's blog will entertain you with the kids' escapades, cute comments, and pictures of me making orangutan faces, so don't expect it here.

Kristine and I loaded the car with kids, met my sister and niece, and together we headed to the zoo and Fairytale Town/Funderland, which is like a smaller Disneyland...only without rides, attractions, characters, food, and general cleanliness. Parking's pretty much the same, though.

The day WAS educational and entertaining though. Not because I learned about the natural habitat of the lemur or the migration of the flamingo. No, some lame zoo volunteer may have been talking about that, but my group was hypnotized by the hockey-puck mole on the neck of the guy in front of us in line for the reptile house. I didn't know whether to push it or play Plinko, but it was not to be ignored. It was captivatingly disgusting.

At Fairytale Town, we entered the gates under a scary Humpy Dumpty, emphasis on Dump. White Trash Heaven....people kicked out of Nascar events have season tickets for this place. Fairytale Town's lavish grounds are protected by a aqua-blue moat a good 3/4 of an inch deep, with the occasional leaf and cigarette box floating in the mosquito-laden standing water for good measure and ambiance. The kids enjoyed playing on the slides and playgrounds as we enjoyed the culture of what appeared to be Ye Olde Kentucky(circa 1979). We didn't stay long, but I was able to get a King Arthur collectible bottle opener and a crown with mullet attached (like the ones used in the movie about King Jethro III).

The pony rides were a-callin, so we forked over the $3 per kid. As the line apprached the stable, we noticed the "ponies" (might have just been homeless guys covered in bath rugs, but I can't prove it)were actually not thrilled about their roles in the Sacramento entertainment community. Shea took the white pony named Harley(the noose-marks on it's neck were less noticeable), and walked pony through its grueling oval mud track. I can't be sure, but I thought I heard "Dead pony walking" from the distance a few times. Through the pony's sobs of hopelessness and piles of symbolic droppings, we trekked the lap and moved on. The attendant helped Shea off the pony the "cowgirl way", which apparently was the way cowgirls dismounted their manic-depressive animals in the olden days. The attendant made sure the pony was leashed (to reduce the catastrophic risk of the slowest stampede ever) and checked the pony's mouth for hidden cyanide pills.

Wolf-Boy(in the picture above) was just a kid at the park that screamed like a drunk Raider fan but looked like step three of the evolutionary chart. Don't know if more explanation is needed here, but Mach 3 Jr finally has a customer base.

All in all, we all had fun...obviously for different reasons. Mine lead me straight to hell, where White Trash walk me around in ovals while a wolf boy picks at the mole on my neck.

I can pretty much guarantee that that last sentence has never been blogged before.

Valentine's Day Massacre

2005-02-03T22:31:00.000-08:00

, originally uploaded by slowchildrenatplay.

February 14th...Its the day the CEO of Hallmark french kisses strangers in the hallway. Jewelry store owners take a break between marking up all their prices to browse a Mercedes Benz catalog(add another 10% to the tennis bracelets, the Bose sound system is a must). Florists offer guaranteed delivery on Valentine's Day for a small charge(ahem...why does this contract mention my soul?).

Women who normally like romantic things 'just because' are now transfixed by the alien signal being broadcast around the world through ads for diamond bracelets and luxury cars with big red bows(This signal speeds up women's hormonal and nervous systems, which is why February 29th and 30th were ultimately removed from the calendar by men). Women who normally enjoy small, sweet gestures now need to redeem their relationship points before they expire on February 15th. Limit one man per coupon please, sorry, ex-wife.

Its not your fault,women of the world, the aliens are powerful. If you think we enjoy watching NFL draft coverage for fourteen hours or three straight hours of the same one hour SportsCenter, you're wrong...but our Close Encounters are generally spread throughout the year and relatively inexpensive. You get the concentrated focus of red and pink bows, hearts, poetry, and candy....we get anal probings and the crawling scores of the NBA.

Don't get me wrong, we men LOVE ya. Really, we do. Imagine the ratings of the Lifetime Channel and the Soap Opera Network on February 13th, when men throughout the world are passing the sports bars and strip clubs to get purchase ANYTHING red, heart-shaped, or velvety.

We'll do it and hope you like what we bought you. Really, we will. Remember that the hypnotizing commercials will be gone by the 15th, but we'll still be holding your hair when you're throwing up and buying you tampons when we only were going to the store for hot dog buns. Now THAT should be on the Hallmark card.

ps-I love you, honey....and I will try to get something you'll love. I'm taking back the red-velvet box of tampons too.

Kristine's Brain

2005-02-01T23:18:00.000-08:00

, originally uploaded by slowchildrenatplay.

Just brainstorming because I'm blog-fodderless for the evening, picked a few random and odd things about this crazy woman I love. Had to limit the items because I'm tired and, frankly, I would probably need to open an entire gallery for this.

I think things might actually float around like this in there!!

2005-01-31T23:44:00.000-08:00

, originally uploaded by slowchildrenatplay.

He pounds away at the keyboard, unaware that it is walking down the hallway, slowly approaching him. The feet in the fuzzy mismatched socks slide past a backpack, a stray shoe, and a small trail of dead ants( hat have been left on the tile in a Raid lacquer as an example to those ants who dare to follow). The camera slowly pans up the cozy comfy pajama bottoms and fuzzy pink robe to show a flurry of blonde hair. IT IS ALIVE. Flashes of Starbucks coffee cups, Marlboro Lights, then the screen fades to black as the sound of the computer desk chair squeaks as the typing eerily ends. IT has been awakened from its slumber and it will not rest until it has blogged.

How Much Do You Love Me?

2005-01-30T15:55:00.000-08:00

, originally uploaded by slowchildrenatplay.

This damn question was created in a secret women's convention somewhere deep in the Alps circa 1945 in an effort to fluster Earth's male population.

I get the question from Kristine probably two or three times a month. I usually respond with a random number ("I'd say about a 72") or with my toddler answer ("Thisssssss much", with my arms extended). Then I get the empty feeling of having answered the math teacher's question by getting it from the back of the book. It may be technically accurate, but I have no data to support it and certainly no ability to elaborate.

With the frequency of the question increasing, I've decided that a unit of measurement is far overdue for love. If you can measure the quality of a movie or restaurant with stars, and if the college football championship can be determined by a computer that will never be able to tailgate, then surely love can be quantified.

After a few phone calls to scientists, mathemeticians, and male escorts(luckily Kristine had these on speed-dial, she must have known I was doing research), I have created a formula to accurately measure a man's love for a woman. Men around the world will thank me as we answer your question with pride and confidence!!

The formula is confidential (men, e-mail me with the name of the 1967 NL Rookie of the Year for the formula), but let me be the first to clearly and precisely answer the question:

Kristine, I love you 87.678 sph (smiles per hour)*

*Pacific Standard Time, Unleaded gasoline price of $1.77 per gallon, and 600-thread count sheets were all used for this figure

Frankenshea

2005-01-27T09:11:00.000-08:00

, originally uploaded by slowchildrenatplay.

When disposable shoes are invented, Shea will have been the inspiration. It doesn't matter where the shoes were last night, because at least one of them will be missing this morning. Such was the case this morning, and the drama ensued. Waking up to a household of kids in various stages of readiness is frantic enough, but when Shea's shoes are missing, the house hits drama level red.

After I told her that she would have to wear her sister's shoes(which are 1/2 size larger than her own) to school, her gift of theatre came out. After the tears, which are just a given with a Shea-Shoe-Crisis, I was treated to the most pathetic, gut-wrenching, hilarious perforance I've seen to date from her.

These evil shoes were 'wiggly', according to her description between tears. When I checked to make sure they weren't too big, they seemed to fit her better than they even fit her older sister. What I hadn't accounted for was the evil spell some witch doctor in the Congo must have placed on the wiggly shoes. For now, Shea could neither walk nor stand. I'd help her up, and she'd slink back to the carpet. When I finally stood her up, she walked with her arms leaning on any wall or solid surface, balancing like a toddler taking her first steps. A first grade Frankenstein had been created in my evil lab (also called the shoe closet). I unleashed my monster onto the world by driving her to the neighbors' before school. Excited to see her friend, she hopped out of the car, skipped halfway up the lawn before remembering she was supposed to be in character, and slowly monster stepped to the front door with her arms reaching in front of her. Frankenshea was back, so first graders beware. Vats of hot tar and torches will be available in the cafeteria.

24

2005-01-24T23:24:00.000-08:00

24, originally uploaded by slowchildrenatplay.

Kiefer Sutherland is a wuss. Give the guy 24 hours and he can disable bombs, stop assassination attempts, save the country from terrorists....all without bathroom trips or meals. Impressive enough, but can he stop his girlfriend from hitting the snooze bar 17 times every morning? Can he survive 8 1/2 hours in a State office without killing someone? Can he shop and make a meal for two adults and five kids for $20 (including cigarettes....these kids have GOT to quit soon)? Can he do all of this, and still have enough time after baths, homework, and laundry to spend more than 3.1 seconds with the girlfriend (practicing her snooze bar karate chop as we speak)?

Didn't think so. Wuss.

Waking The Dead

2005-01-23T14:30:00.000-08:00

sheas out, originally uploaded by slowchildrenatplay.

She's normally SO cute....when conscious. THEN it happens. She crashes, she runs herself into exhaustion after hours of Polly Pockets and Disney Channel movies. Alcoholic marathon runners on Valium don't sleep this well. She has collapsed on the couch before the final necessary bathroom trip of the night. So I need to waking the sleeping beauty to prepare her for bed. It sounds so easy, much like occupying Vietnam or finding Osama Bin Laden. The chore may be a natural one for those parents lucky enough to have normal children in thier homes. But this girl is different. I believe in reincarnation, because I see this girl rise from the dead on a daily basis. Reviving her on this particular night happens as follows:

1. "Honey, you need to wake up, go potty, and go to bed"

2. Repeat #1, with a gentle nudge.

3. Repeat #2, with a second, more forceful nudge.

4. Repeat #3, louder and slightly more violent.

5. "YOU NEED TO WAKE UP, GO POTTY, AND GO TO BED...HONEY" (the 'honey' at the end was meant to take the meanness out of the all caps statement).

6. Physically sit the child up, and repeat various rantings of #1-5.

7. Physically standing the dead girl up and desperately and incoherently alternating between begging, coaxing, and punishing remarks.

8. The thoughts of clothespins, wire hangers, and ice water all are considered and ultimately dismissed before simply carrying the child to the bathroom.

9. SUCCESS...one of her eyes has opened approximately 33%, but I am apparently speaking a foreign language that cannot be understood by the dead.

10. The girl agrees to use the bathroom and go to bed, or at least thats what I'm hoping I was able to decipher from the mumbling.

11. The bathroom door has been closed for a few minutes,so I'm sure she's asleep on the toilet or on the floor, but the room is empty. Thank God.

12. She's on the couch. I give up. Rest in peace, little one. I'll just wash the sheets in the morning.

Sophomore Slump

2005-01-20T23:02:00.000-08:00

CHEEK
Originally uploaded by randomandodd.

Captain's Blog:
Day 2, and now I have even less than the nothing I had a mere 24 hours ago. Between work, kids, and the NBA on TNT, there wasn't much eventful blog material other than taking a stray bouncy ball off the forehead. I wonder if people purposely do or say weird things throughout their days just to have blog fodder (that sounds like a communicable disease).

One odd thing that I'm continually monitoring is the small, half-inch circle of skin on my right cheek, just outside of the goatee border, that will NOT grow hair. Its weird, like a small facial crop circle. Bad enough the aliens are ruining fertile farmland, but my right cheek? They've gone too far. Nasal probing can't far behind.

Tonight's post sucked, sorry. It was like the one lame show every 80's/90's sitcom felt compelled to mix into its otherwise comedy-filled season. And now stay tuned for a very special "Blossom".........

The First Post

2005-01-19T18:15:00.000-08:00

I might have a touch of mental deficiency. I plan on posting only weird, meaningless crap here. There will be inside jokes that nobody else gets. There will be quotes from movies that no one else knows. There might be a hint of dsylxeia. I very well could make up statistics to support my view on things(actually 47.3% of my statistics are made up on the spot). Don't expect deep insight or thought provoking comments on today's biggest issues. Very few things will be wrapped up in a nice little bow. I'll start writing about one thing and end up when I was five I fell down the escalator at Sears. I type slowly, and most of the bigger events in my life are covered in my psychiatrist's blog, so you get this- the doggy bag of random things that have jusssssst enough interest to not throw away. God, I feel like Doogie Howser right now....So Vinnie and I became "special" friends and I saved a girl from a snake bite today. Good night.