Friday, May 13, 2005
6. Optional male or female crawls on the channel at all times. Men can check out the scores, women can check out who Brad Pitt is dating this week.
7. Completely Sexist Shows. Mondays, Wednesdays, Fridays: Female Dorm Cam.... Tuesday, Thursday, Saturdays: Construction Worker Cam (see ladies, I got yo back!!).
8. No talk shows. If I wanted to hear rambling, I'd call my ex-wife and ask her how her day is going.
9. Public Service Announcements must actually be helpful. How to sabotage co-workers' promotional opportunities, how to use porn lines as practical joke props, how to sneak into movie theaters.
10. Game shows are ok, but only if negative results include physical harm and/or death. Lets see those fuckers bid on their showcase if the loser gets dropped into a pit of hungry crocodiles (be sure to have your crocs spayed or neutered...hey, my first PSA).
Thursday, May 12, 2005
Welcome to SCAPTV. Reality shows are everywhere, but I'm tapping into a whole new market, the domestically challenged. I know, SOOOO politically incorrect. But my shows help the homeless, so as long as they're on the street, I'm gonna exploit them!! You've already been introduced to Pimp My Cart, now for the rest of my line-up:
We take two homeless people, and let them trade cardboard boxes for an afternoon of design and decorating hijinx. Tempers flare when cans get stolen and urination occurs. Weekdays at 3pm
10 bums, one intersection island. Contestants compete to remain on the island and to win the grand prize of a two-story refrigerator box and $25 gift certificate to ABC Liquor.
When a homeless person leaves his alley, we step in and hook them up with a newly designed box and alleyway garden.
OK, if my ticket to hell wasn't already printed before this ........
SCAP has learned that an unknown terrorist group is claiming credit for the recent flat iron abduction from Dashababy. This is the only photo from the terrorist group.
Wednesday, May 11, 2005
OK, networks....Kristine needs some better TiVo choices. As usual, I'm offering my help. Over the next few posts, I'll throw a few ideas out there that will guarantee some ratings. First up, "Pimp My Cart".
Tuesday, May 10, 2005
OK, so last week I got my big break.....the part I was born to play. When one of our techs called me and told me I had the personality of a blood drop, I just KNEW. For our annual blood drive, my work needed someone to play Drippy the Blood Drop. Everyone said it was because no one else would do it, but I knew destiny when I saw it. I imagine this must have been the feeling that the non-Keanu guy felt when Bill And Ted's Excellent Adventure fell into his lap. So I put on the costume and walked through my building. The reactions and exchanges varied.
"Oh, an M&M!!!"
"No, I'm a blood drop."
"Oh, OK. Is the blood drive today?"
"No, all my other clothes were dirty."
"Hey guys, guess which gang I'm representing?"
"Never mind. The blood drive's today."
Me running out of the elevator like the blood from "The Shining" for a repairman. He didn't get it.
My audience (State workers for a popular West Coast state that Sacramento is in) obviously couldn't keep up with my material. So I decided to go outside and stand next to the blood drive sign and balloons. I could wave at cars, convince people to stop and donate blood, thereby saving lives. I was going to be a hero.
I went outside and almost tripped into some shrubs, where I would have been trapped like an overturned turtle. Luckily, my catlike reflexes and balance kept me upright. I waved to the left, waved to the right. I got the occasional wave, a few honks, one middle finger (must have been one of those pompous marrow donors), and a carload of teenagers yelling "Heyyyyy Kool-Aid!!!" I would have flipped them off but my Scott Sabol-like gloves only have four fingers. One car stopped, and a couple of guys donated. My work was done.
Until the Academy starts the Oscar-hype machine, I think I'm going to relax, take some time off. Kristine, tell Leno I'm holding out for Conan.
Disclaimer For The Stupid
This is ONLY a blog. If this had been actual news, it wouldn't be as funny and you'd be watching it on TV, where everything is true.
Other Slow Children
The BESTEST girlfriend EVER
i'll add more later