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Friday, May 13, 2005


My Network, MY 10 Rules....if you have any you'd like to add, feel free to add


1. No commercials for feminine hygiene products. Period(pun intended). There's too many products that already absorb that blue liquid that apparently comes from women (I must have missed that day in health class). I don't care how confident and spring fresh these products make you....I don't want to see them on my network.


2. No skinny people on weight loss commercials. I've seen enough of the 'after's....time for more 'before's. 'Before's are funnier.


3. No more drug commercials. As funny as four-hour erections and bowel slippages are as side effects, they're not funny enough to make me forget that I hate seeing women run through daisy fields for genital herpes pills and guys hiking in the woods for their toenail fungus medicine.


4. The news must start with sports. Its no secret as to why they save the fun stuff for the end of the news. Sports and the funny entertainment stories get squished at the end so we are forced to endure stories about kidnappings and Budget Crisis 2005.....not on SCAPTV News. Every third story must be in song. One hot nude meteoroligist per broadcast. Fake stories are encouraged.


5. Music videos for one hour. No commercials. No hosts. Nothing. Just one solid hour of music videos.

6. Optional male or female crawls on the channel at all times. Men can check out the scores, women can check out who Brad Pitt is dating this week.

7. Completely Sexist Shows. Mondays, Wednesdays, Fridays: Female Dorm Cam.... Tuesday, Thursday, Saturdays: Construction Worker Cam (see ladies, I got yo back!!).

8. No talk shows. If I wanted to hear rambling, I'd call my ex-wife and ask her how her day is going.

9. Public Service Announcements must actually be helpful. How to sabotage co-workers' promotional opportunities, how to use porn lines as practical joke props, how to sneak into movie theaters.

10. Game shows are ok, but only if negative results include physical harm and/or death. Lets see those fuckers bid on their showcase if the loser gets dropped into a pit of hungry crocodiles (be sure to have your crocs spayed or neutered...hey, my first PSA).


posted by Shaun at 11:35 PM
link | 10 comments

Thursday, May 12, 2005


Welcome to SCAPTV. Reality shows are everywhere, but I'm tapping into a whole new market, the domestically challenged. I know, SOOOO politically incorrect. But my shows help the homeless, so as long as they're on the street, I'm gonna exploit them!! You've already been introduced to Pimp My Cart, now for the rest of my line-up:

We take two homeless people, and let them trade cardboard boxes for an afternoon of design and decorating hijinx. Tempers flare when cans get stolen and urination occurs. Weekdays at 3pm

10 bums, one intersection island. Contestants compete to remain on the island and to win the grand prize of a two-story refrigerator box and $25 gift certificate to ABC Liquor.

When a homeless person leaves his alley, we step in and hook them up with a newly designed box and alleyway garden.

OK, if my ticket to hell wasn't already printed before this ........

posted by Shaun at 10:43 PM
link | 9 comments


Flat Iron Crisis 05


, originally uploaded by slowchildrenatplay.

SCAP has learned that an unknown terrorist group is claiming credit for the recent flat iron abduction from Dashababy. This is the only photo from the terrorist group.

Details to follow.........

posted by Shaun at 9:00 PM
link | 3 comments

Wednesday, May 11, 2005


OK, networks....Kristine needs some better TiVo choices. As usual, I'm offering my help. Over the next few posts, I'll throw a few ideas out there that will guarantee some ratings. First up, "Pimp My Cart".

One of the big complaints from the homeless(other than being homeless, cold, and hungry) is the poor quality of shopping carts. These aren't your homeless grandparents' American steel shopping carts....these are Asian alloy and plastic carts that offer little in terms of functionality or attractiveness on today's homeless scene. These things might get you from Produce to Dairy, but try taking one over the curb with a sleeping bag, one-eyed dog, and Glad-bag full of aluminum cans. Yeah right, it'd be easier just to go get a real job! Thats where "Pimp My Cart" steps in.

For one week, we'll borrow some bum's rolling crib and turn that mutha outtttt. At my custom cart customizing garage, West Coast Shoppers, we'll hook up the cart with everything from plasma tv's to neon curb lights.

Yo, SCAPTV, PIMP MY CART!!!

posted by Shaun at 10:52 AM
link | 7 comments

Tuesday, May 10, 2005


OK, so last week I got my big break.....the part I was born to play. When one of our techs called me and told me I had the personality of a blood drop, I just KNEW. For our annual blood drive, my work needed someone to play Drippy the Blood Drop. Everyone said it was because no one else would do it, but I knew destiny when I saw it. I imagine this must have been the feeling that the non-Keanu guy felt when Bill And Ted's Excellent Adventure fell into his lap. So I put on the costume and walked through my building. The reactions and exchanges varied.

"Oh, an M&M!!!"
"No, I'm a blood drop."
"Oh, OK. Is the blood drive today?"
"No, all my other clothes were dirty."

"Hey guys, guess which gang I'm representing?"
"Huh?"
"Never mind. The blood drive's today."

Me running out of the elevator like the blood from "The Shining" for a repairman. He didn't get it.

My audience (State workers for a popular West Coast state that Sacramento is in) obviously couldn't keep up with my material. So I decided to go outside and stand next to the blood drive sign and balloons. I could wave at cars, convince people to stop and donate blood, thereby saving lives. I was going to be a hero.

I went outside and almost tripped into some shrubs, where I would have been trapped like an overturned turtle. Luckily, my catlike reflexes and balance kept me upright. I waved to the left, waved to the right. I got the occasional wave, a few honks, one middle finger (must have been one of those pompous marrow donors), and a carload of teenagers yelling "Heyyyyy Kool-Aid!!!" I would have flipped them off but my Scott Sabol-like gloves only have four fingers. One car stopped, and a couple of guys donated. My work was done.

Until the Academy starts the Oscar-hype machine, I think I'm going to relax, take some time off. Kristine, tell Leno I'm holding out for Conan.

posted by Shaun at 9:14 AM
link | 12 comments

Disclaimer For The Stupid

This is ONLY a blog. If this had been actual news, it wouldn't be as funny and you'd be watching it on TV, where everything is true.


Me

toobig


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