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Saturday, April 16, 2005

, originally uploaded by slowchildrenatplay.

OK, after a disturbingly violent end to our last round, we move forward.

We are down to the final five. And ths time, bloggers, the decision will be yours. Our judges will remain, but their votes mean nothing now. YOUR votes will decide who the next Pope will be.

Stay tuned, we're thiiiiiiiis close to selecting a winner!! Don't vote yet, you'll get your chance this weekend.

posted by Shaun at 1:10 AM
link | 9 comments

Friday, April 15, 2005

Tensions are high here in Vatican City. We're down to our last elimination of the round, with Samuel L facing off against Martha. Jesus has chosen the final contest to be the most exciting and disturbing of all. So disturbing, in fact, that we have moved to the dark basement of the Vatican for this one. Ladies and gentlemen, put the kids to bed and prepare for the most final of contests....Russian Roulette!! Two contestants, one gun, one bullet. Picking the winner in this one will be obvious.

A single table sits under a hanging lamp in the basement of the vatican. Jesus places the gun on the table and steps away. From the shadows, Samuel L walks to the table and takes a seat. Martha appears a second later and sits across from him. They stare each other down (Oprah proudly watches on closed circuit tv). Either of you have anything to say?

Samuel L: Shit yeah, I got something to say. See, there's this passage I got memorized, Ezekiel 25:17. "The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who,"

Martha(irritated): Todayyyyyy, Samuel.

Samuel L(pissed): Girl, interrupt me again. Do it, I dare ya. I will lay my vengenance upon thee!!!

Martha opens and closes her fingers and thumb in a mocking talking motion. Samuel picks up the gun.

Samuel L: Bitch, you wanna meet Jesus?

Martha(mockingly): Sam, he's sitting right over there. Can we just get started? Oh, I sprayed the bullet in a cinammon apple scent. I figure it would make for a nicer exit for one of us. It's a good thing.

We've flipped a coin and Samuel L, you're pulling the trigger first. Good luck.
Samuel L sits straight up, puts the gun to his head. He closes his eyes and pulls the trigger.


Samuel L exhales, open his eyes, and slides the gun across the table. Martha takes the gun.

Martha lifts the weapon to her head, looks Samuel L in the eyes, and pulls the trigger.


Samuel L's eyes widen as the spray hits him. The bitch and the gun drop to the floor. Samuel L keeps staring at the area where Martha used to be.

Well, uh, that was....uh, different. Samuel L, congratulations. I don't think Martha will be returning to the competition!! (crowd erupts in laughter) Well, thats it, folks. We're down to our final five, where this thing will get REALLY exciting. So until next post......hey, anyone else smell apple pie?.........Shaun ouuuutttttttttttttttt

(Samuel L still sits paralyzed in his chair)

posted by Shaun at 7:27 PM
link | 10 comments

Thursday, April 14, 2005

Mother T has selected Jacko and Oprah for the next elimination. The contest is a simple one, a simple staring contest. They will make eye contact, and the first to break eye contact loses. They must remain seated, other than that, there are no rules. They can do or say anything to break the other's concentration.

The two are seated, and they make eye contact.....the battle is underway.

(Through Pope Idol's time lapse blogography, we advance to highlights of the contest. Out timer lists the minutes and seconds into the staring)

1:12- Oprah's nose shows the first bead of sweat. Between Jacko's low singing of McDonald's songs and that fucked up nose, her concentration on eye contact is difficult.

Things start getting ugly....fast. Each realizes the verbal jabs are the way to go.

1:47- "Look at my hair, Michael. Look at my nose. I'm black, Michael....remember? Rememmmmber?" Jacko winces a little, but maintains staring position.

2:57: "Dr.Phil says you're fat" he says with a little giggle.

3:03: "Your nose is sliding down your face"

Teeth and fists clench on each side. Beads of sweat roll.

3:12: "Oprah, why is Stedman grabbing that skinny white woman's ass behind you?"

Oprah fights off a 'black woman head spin', then smiles an evil smile and....

3:40: "Michael, Macaulay and Webster are french kissing behind you. They're looking for you, Michael"

Michael shoots up from the chair and spins around.

"My special friends, where ARE you?!?!"...then he realizes what has happened. His head drops in disappointment, partly for his absent friends and partly for losing.

Jacko, I'm sorry, but you are out. The choir boys you were talking to the other day are waiting for you in the lobby.

One battle left, Samuel L vs. Martha....for now, the quest for Poprah lives on......

Shaun outtttttttt.

posted by Shaun at 7:27 PM
link | 11 comments

Pope Idol
Who gets kicked out of Pope Idol?

Mfichael Jackson


Search The Internet

posted by Shaun at 5:53 PM
link | 0 comments

Tuesday, April 12, 2005

OK, folks. Rev. Jesse likes to keep his competition simple almost as much as he loves a big ol' ass. So in a biblical battle of bootay, its J-Lo vs. Homer. Biggest butt stays.

J-Lo looks awfully confident, and who can blame her with that trademark caboose. But Homer's old school, with decades of Duff Beer and jelly donuts on his resume (and shirt....d'oh!!).

The butts are in position, and Jesse measures......and, whooooooa!!! Its not even close! Homer's gigantic bumper has dropped J-Lo's ass quicker than she dropped Ben Affleck's!!

Amazing!! And just like that, J-Lo is gone. There she goes now....slowwwwly walking away......almost gone....jusssst about out of the room....oh, sorry.

Homer, great job!! That big butt of yours is getting to the next round!!

Until next time.....

Shaun outttttttttt

posted by Shaun at 11:29 PM
link | 9 comments


Well fans, Pope Idol has been rocked by scandal. In our last episode, The Fonz defeated Bono in one of the most dramatic Catholic Karate finishes ever. Apparently, violence is nothing new to The Fonz.

According to an unofficial news report(forwarded to us by an anonymous fan who only identified herself as "Cat"), The Fonz attacked dreamy, puppydog-eyed Constantine(a contestant on a Pope Idol-like knockoff show on another network) at a concert on April Fools Day, 2004. The report only made news recently because of the incredible writing and photographic skills (word on the street says Pulitzer Prize is looming) and because of Constantine's inexplicable existence on an actual TV show. Now, the focus has turned to the attacker. The Fonz reportedly went beserk upon the onset of Constantine's "I Think I Love You" and attacked the Greek God, knocking all the veneers from his teeth.

Further research indicates The Fonz was a legendary underground bar fighter back in the 70's in rural (ok, redneck) Northern California. To date, she is the only woman to be kicked out of the Hell's Angels for violence.

Because of this issue, Pope Idol must say goodbye to The Fonz. In the interest of fairness, our last contestant, Bono, will be invited back to the competition as soon as his rehab from testicle recovery surgery is completed (ok, by the next post).

This is getting weirder by the minute. Shaun ouuuuuuuuut.

posted by Shaun at 9:45 AM
link | 16 comments

Monday, April 11, 2005

The Fight to Remain

Tensions are high and the competition is heating up. The next competition was chosen by Jesus. Jesus, tell us what is in store.

Jesus: As a big fan of movies from the 80's, I chose a competition to reflect this. I loved "The Karate Kid", so the competition I chose is a Karate bout between two of our finalists. After careful consideration, I selected a bout between Bono and The Fonz. We'll follow the rules of the All Valley competition that Daniel-San won twenty years ago (yes, the movie came out in 1984...damn I feel old). the first fighter to reach three point wins.....and the loser goes home like the Cobra Kai did.

Well, there you have it. Our producers have obviously listened to the Catholic outcry regarding the lack of violence in recent church history. Bono vs. The Fonz.........next!

(insert gay music video commercial for new Pope Cola featuring the remaining nine contestants singing in a 50's Diner)

We cut to Vatican Dojo, home of such historical Papal matches as Pope Sixtus IV vs a young unranked Innocent VIII in 1484 and possibly the greatest Catholic Karate match of all time, Clement XIV vs. Pius VI in 1775, in a match better known as the Holy War. In white, we have Kristine's Mom, aka The Fonz, practicing her roundhouse kicks. In black, we have Bono jumping up and down with nervous energy.

The referee instructs the two to shake hands, steps between the two, then signals for the start of the match. The crowd cheers for their favorites as the two measure each other. Bono shoots forward to punch, but the Fonz avoids the punch and connects with a kick to Bono's ribs.

Point to Fonz! Fonz 1-0

Bono clutches his side and regroups. The two fighters reset and are signalled to begin. A few wild punches and kicks miss before Fonz connects with a blow to Bono's jaw, knocking off his orange sunglasses.

Fonz 2, Bono 0

Bono walks to the edge of the mat and notices his orange glasses are broken. He looks at the Fonz with fury and walks back to his mark. At the signal, Bono runs at the Fonz, and with a bitch-move, kicks her in the side of the knee, sending the Fonz tumbling to the ground. The crowd goes nuts, booing and screaming at Bono. Jesus throws a can of Pope Cola.

Fonz 2, Bono 1.

The Fonz limps the her mark as the two fighter reset. The signal is given, and the two square off. After a lunge forward by the Fonz, Bono sweeps her leg with a kick, sending the Fonz reeling to the ground in pain. The crown is incensed, furious with the U2 frontman. The Fonz signals for a timeout.

Well folks, how's this for excitement? The Fonz, once up 2-0 in this contest, needs a timeout to hold off a furious rally by Bono. In a battle sure to be historic, stay tuned......Pope Idol will be right back.

(insert commercial for the new reality show, "Survivor:Intersection", where a group of homeless people compete for the ultimate prize: a custom two-story cardboard box and sign-making kit. As the competition progresses, contestants are voted off the concrete island)

We're back folks, an the next point will decide who stays and who goes. We're tied up at 2-2. Lets go back to the action.....

Bono takes his mark, fists clenched and ready to pounce.....The Fonz has her back to Bono, breathing carefully. She turns around with both hands above her head. She slowly lifts one knee and stands balanced in this position. The referee signals, Bono rushes in as The Fonz jumps, kicks, and strikes Bono right in his rosary beads. Bono crumbles to the ground and the crowd rushes the stage.

Fonz 3, Bono 2....WINNER!!!!

The Fonz yells over the crowd "Hey, Jesus, WE did it!!" as Jesus smiles and nods in approval.>

WOW WOW WOW....in a huuuuuge upset (OK, it upset Cat), The Fonz has eliminated Bono, one of the favorites, early in the competition. In hindsight, Bono's choice to wear black probably wasn't a good omen. But there you go, world.....THIS is what separates Pope Idol from all the pretenders. We're down to eight.......until next time..........

Shaun ouuuuutttttt

posted by Shaun at 6:07 PM
link | 13 comments

Sunday, April 10, 2005

Weiner Lose

Ladies and gentlemen, the dreams of one of our contestants ends tonight. No more biblical tests or vows of abstinence. Anyone can do that. Our producers want to test the physical, mental, and emotional skills for Pope Idol. Mother Teresa has selected a hot dog eating contest as the first match-up of our finals....Elton John vs. Madonna in an all out battle of weiner gobbling divas.

Teresa, was first gained fame by her chain of Calcutta Hot Dog stands before becoming a saint, thinks this mind over matter contest will truly test endurance and gag reflexes.

Sir EJ and Madonna sit side by side, each studying the plate of 100 hot dogs in front of them. The contestant who swallows the most weiners in a minute advances in the competition. The loser goes home.

The Bell rings as the clock ticks down from one minute. The crowd cheers for each contestant. Each has adopted a strategy. EJ squeezes his target's buns before swallowing, while Madonna prefers to take multiple weiners at a time.

madonna hot dog

The contest is now getting ugly. Buns and stray weiners a thrown askew as the final bell rings. Each contestant falls back into their chair in exhaustion.

Teresa observes as two choir boys count the remaining dogs. We have a winner........right after this.

EJ, you are..............(dramatic pause)

going home, I'm sorry. Madonna, you have advance in the competition. According to the final counts, you actually swallowed all of your dogs and 7 of EJ's. Congratulations.....verrrry impressive.

So folks, now we're down to nine. Who's the next to leave? Stay tuned and find out.

Shaun ouuuuuutttttttttt.

posted by Shaun at 7:44 PM
link | 8 comments

Disclaimer For The Stupid

This is ONLY a blog. If this had been actual news, it wouldn't be as funny and you'd be watching it on TV, where everything is true.





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