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Friday, April 08, 2005

The BIG Question

Contestants, why should you win Pope Idol?

Jacko: Well, as everyone knows, I love everyone. Especially the children. So young, so innocent. As the Pope, I would bring llamas and Ferris Wheels to the Vatican and invite the world's children to visit. There'd be no adults allowed in to corrupt the little ones. We'd play games and have pillow fights, heehee. I giggle just thinking about it. heeheehee...

(Judges stare blankly at Jacko.....Jesus' mouth drops a little).

Martha: I believe I have something to add to the Catholic church. The church is nice, but is very old. It would be quite lovely to add some colorful flowers and trim to the Vatican, especially in springtime. There can never be enough throw pillows. Can you imagine the number of new Catholics when they enter the Cathedral and smell warm almond-poppy muffins and cinnamon-stick ginseng tea? Buy Catholic stock early...I should be the next Pope, it would be a good thing.

Homer: hehehe, Pope. Pope, Pope, Pope. "Pope" is a funny word. Plus, you get free robes and a big hat. Annnnnd, you get to stay at this big place where they have LOTS of Italian food. Marge said I'd have to go to church every Sunday, so that sucks....but LOTS of Italian food. mmmmmmm......they'd make anything I wanted, like they do for the president and Elvis. Pope-A-Roni......mmmmmm, meatballs and noodles shaped like crucifixes.

Oprah: Look, 'judges', I WILL be the next Pope(pointing at judges). I've already put my agent and realtor on the Vatican vacancy, and a bid is being written as we speak. I'm also in the process of trademarking the word "Poprah". I'll apply what I've learned in show biz to the church. When I'm Pope, each Catholic will get a new Honda Civic. Now, I'm a busy woman, so........

(snaps her fingers and Mother Teresa hurries to Oprah with a large tray of Fig Newtons. Oprah looks at her furiously and knocks the tray from Teresa's brittle hands)

Fig Newtons? Fig Freaking Newtons? I clearly demanded Nutter Butters!! Yeah, you're SOME saint. Get me whoever's in charge here...NOW (she storms off the stage)

Fonz: Wow. That was Oprah! (giggle) THE Oprah. She's on the Oprah Winfrey Show, you know!? She probably got that job because the show had her name on it. She's gooooood, though. I really like her. And Homer was here, which is weird because he's a cartoon character on The Sopranos. (looks at judges in recognition) Hey, you're Jesus!!! I have a picture of you, but you're not wearing that black t-shirt in the picture I have. Oh, you're that old lady that lives in the shoe, right? Boy, that must have been tough. Ooooooh, the Reverend Reggie Jackson!!! This is SO cool. I can't wait to tell Kristine about this. She's my favorite daughter, you know.

Madonna: First, my name is Madonna. I am Italian. I have classic grace and presence. I have adapted my style to remain popular for decades. The one thing that has bothered me about the Vatican is that it has always about Catholicism. I mean, would it hurt to mix in another religion every once in awhile? I have been studying various religions over the years, and would love to introduce Kaballah and maybe a touch of Wicca. Christianity is OK, but has anything new happened recently? New religions=New music videos for me.

EJ: Pope Sir Elton John sounds good to me!! I can explain what I would mean to the Vatican in three words: Fab-U-Lous (snapping his fingers in the shape of a Z)!! I mean, woooooooo!!!! Can you imagine? They would be getting a queen and a Pope in one shot. Plus, I look amazing in white.

J-Lo: You would just lovvvvvve me as da Pope. No, for serious, I would be like BAMMM!!! And BOOOM!! No Pope has had an ass like this since Pope Gregory XVI back in like 1840 or sometin. And, could he shake his hips like this (breaks into gyrating dance moves... Jesus covers Teresas eyes)? I dont tink so!!! Heyyyyyyyyyyyy yall. Jenny From The Block as the Pope would be Dope (Licks her finger, touches her ass and makes a sizzle sound).

Samuel L: Mannnnn, I most definitely should be the next Pope. The church has been all soft and gentle lately. Fuck that!!! Man, when I'm the Pope, the Popemobile is gonna be a funky ol Caddy...gonna drive around Vatican City like, 'Thats right, bitch. Who's your Pope?' hehehehe......my Pope hat will say Bad Mother Fucker on it. I will make the church THE place to be, yall can bet on that. Shiiiiiiiit.

Bono: (mumbles incoherently in a super-thick accent)
"In AMERICAN!!!" yells a frustrated Jesus, who runs his hands through his hair and takes a sip of his Coke.

Surry, judges(takes of his yellow lense glasses). Me accent is a bit thick, I suppuse. To be the Pupe would be a great hunur. Like the uthers have said, the cluthes kick ass, the crib is fucking awesome. Id be sure to end all wars and it really shouldn't interefere with our summer tour dates. I dun't think people pray as much in the summer, anyhow. Pupe Bono, baaaaaby.

posted by Shaun at 1:36 PM
link | 23 comments

Thursday, April 07, 2005

World, Your Top Ten!!!!

, originally uploaded by slowchildrenatplay.

Before the competition begins, here's your chance to make any comments or predictions.

posted by Shaun at 11:18 PM
link | 10 comments

Welcome back. Yesterday we met our men.....now, it's Ladies Night! Lets meet our lovely female finalists.....they are:


The Fonz!!!

whoa, wait a minute (music stops)....The Fonz, Kristine's mom? What, seriously? What the fu...whoa, is that a .357? Ummmmmm.....

The Fonz!!!




What an amazing line-up of ladies!! Lets go back to our judges for their comments.

Rev.Jesse: Yo, dude..I'm so proud that these fantastically fabulous finalists of the fairer sex are here!!! The men are aight, but the women are dopem dawg.

Teresa: Awwww, you know I love you all. I knew a woman would be Pope someday, and you lovely ladies fill me with hope. God Bless you!! (stands up and claps with her fingers pointing outward)

Jesus: I think Jesse and Teresa are dipping into the 'holy' water. I'd have better luck finding a female finalist on any street corner in Rome (crowd boos, Jesus waves his hand and locusts invade the room).

OK, Jeeeeeeeesus, OK (swatting bugs)!! Ladies and gentlemen, this IS your top ten. Good luck!!!!!

Shaun ouuuuuuuuut!!!!

posted by Shaun at 8:59 PM
link | 6 comments

Wednesday, April 06, 2005

Ladies and gentlemen....after thousands have tried out, we've narrowed our search for the next Pope down to the Final 10. Five men, Five women.

Bloggers, here are YOUR men:





Samuel L !!!

Judges, any comments on the male finalists?

Rev. Jesse: Yo, yo, yo my promising pontificators of prose. Dudes, you enlightened me with your righteous and religious rhetoric. It was da bommmmmmb!!

Mother Teresa: I love you all. I'm big fan of you young men. Peace and love fill my heart when I see you.

Jesus (looking crazily at Teresa): Ummm, what? If I'm being honest with you, I don't know what you men are doing here. None of you are religious at all, and one of you is a cartoon character. I'd say the world is in trouble.

Wellllll.....(rolling my eyes)Ok, Mr. Almighty, we'll see if the audience agrees with you soon enough.

No voting yet, please. Tomorrow, the women will be announced and the competetion will begin!!

Shaun ouuuuuttttttt.

posted by Shaun at 10:43 PM
link | 12 comments

I need help

, originally uploaded by slowchildrenatplay.

I was just planning on using our beloved AI contestants for Pope Idol, but I like the suggestions of Madonna, Bono, etc., being in the competition. So before this thing starts, I need some contestants.

Madonna and sweaty Bono are IN. Please recommend one celebrity in a comment for me. I'll take the first five good suggestions, and add three of my own for Pope Idol's Top Ten.

posted by Shaun at 11:15 AM
link | 13 comments

Tuesday, April 05, 2005

Welcome back world!! We're coming live from the Vatican..It's been 25 years since our last show, and its good to be back. Tony Orlando wasn't available to host this time, so I'm proud to have the honor.

First off, I'd like to pay my respects for our last winner, Karol Wojtyla, who rose from unknown Polish priest to win Pope Idol back in 1978. Rest in peace, Pope JP2.

Now, Catholics, buckle your seatbelts and grab your rosaries. It's time for Pope Idol 2005 (insert theme music).

We've changed the rules since our last show. Because of the College of Cardinals' steroid scandal recently, no longer will the Papal vacancy be filled through such formal actions. You, the viewing audience, will choose our next Catholic Crusader.

Piggybacking on the success of our network's 'other' show, we've brought your favorite contestants from Hollywood to Vatican City.

Our esteemed panel of judges, Rev. Jesse Jackson, Mother Teresa, and Jesus Christ are here, so give it up for them!!

The crowd has gathered, and everyone's praying for their favorites....the competition begins NOW.

Shaun ouuuuuuuut.

posted by Shaun at 1:28 PM
link | 8 comments

I have found my cause. After doing some research, it has come to my attention that Humor Deficiency Syndrome (HDS)* affects thousands of people each year, many in our own backyard.

To date, scientists have found that the only treatment (other than euthanasea) is steady doses of humor. Usually those afflicted resist humor being injected directly into their system. Those extreme cases are now my cause.

Desperately neurotic and pathetic housewives, with no contact other than your fingertips to your keyboard, I am your Sally Struthers.

This won't be easy, and at times during our rehab you'll hate me, even question your faith in God, but we will get through this....together.

*this condition is actually not real, I made it up. Sometimes people do that to be funny. This will be explained in Step 7 of our program

posted by Shaun at 11:58 AM
link | 8 comments

Sunday, April 03, 2005


stupid pills, originally uploaded by slowchildrenatplay.

People are stupid. We all know this, but sometimes reminders are nice. For example, if someone posts a fake article ON APRIL FOOL'S DAY about a famous contestant on a famous reality show, and you get genuinely upset by this, you are pathetic. REALLY.

If your emotional reaction to a JOKE is to actually take the time to e-mail anyone and everyone, you're pathetic. If you're stupid enough to get fooled for more than a minute or two by a fake news story, you shouldn't be allowed to operate a computer or vote for anythingm ever. When your adult education school votes for its prom king/queen, I don't want a ballot near you.

Honestly, for anyone whose interests, appearances, logos, etc were used in a manner other than your intended purposes, I apologize. They were used in an innocent manner as a private joke.

If you have no DIRECT interest to my news story parody, fuck off. The apology doesn't extend to you.

posted by Shaun at 7:22 PM
link | 19 comments

Disclaimer For The Stupid

This is ONLY a blog. If this had been actual news, it wouldn't be as funny and you'd be watching it on TV, where everything is true.





Other Slow Children

The BESTEST girlfriend EVER
The Fonz

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