Friday, April 08, 2005
Contestants, why should you win Pope Idol?
Jacko: Well, as everyone knows, I love everyone. Especially the children. So young, so innocent. As the Pope, I would bring llamas and Ferris Wheels to the Vatican and invite the world's children to visit. There'd be no adults allowed in to corrupt the little ones. We'd play games and have pillow fights, heehee. I giggle just thinking about it. heeheehee...
(Judges stare blankly at Jacko.....Jesus' mouth drops a little).
Martha: I believe I have something to add to the Catholic church. The church is nice, but is very old. It would be quite lovely to add some colorful flowers and trim to the Vatican, especially in springtime. There can never be enough throw pillows. Can you imagine the number of new Catholics when they enter the Cathedral and smell warm almond-poppy muffins and cinnamon-stick ginseng tea? Buy Catholic stock early...I should be the next Pope, it would be a good thing.
Homer: hehehe, Pope. Pope, Pope, Pope. "Pope" is a funny word. Plus, you get free robes and a big hat. Annnnnd, you get to stay at this big place where they have LOTS of Italian food. Marge said I'd have to go to church every Sunday, so that sucks....but LOTS of Italian food. mmmmmmm......they'd make anything I wanted, like they do for the president and Elvis. Pope-A-Roni......mmmmmm, meatballs and noodles shaped like crucifixes.
Oprah: Look, 'judges', I WILL be the next Pope(pointing at judges). I've already put my agent and realtor on the Vatican vacancy, and a bid is being written as we speak. I'm also in the process of trademarking the word "Poprah". I'll apply what I've learned in show biz to the church. When I'm Pope, each Catholic will get a new Honda Civic. Now, I'm a busy woman, so........
(snaps her fingers and Mother Teresa hurries to Oprah with a large tray of Fig Newtons. Oprah looks at her furiously and knocks the tray from Teresa's brittle hands)
Fig Newtons? Fig Freaking Newtons? I clearly demanded Nutter Butters!! Yeah, you're SOME saint. Get me whoever's in charge here...NOW (she storms off the stage)
Fonz: Wow. That was Oprah! (giggle) THE Oprah. She's on the Oprah Winfrey Show, you know!? She probably got that job because the show had her name on it. She's gooooood, though. I really like her. And Homer was here, which is weird because he's a cartoon character on The Sopranos. (looks at judges in recognition) Hey, you're Jesus!!! I have a picture of you, but you're not wearing that black t-shirt in the picture I have. Oh, you're that old lady that lives in the shoe, right? Boy, that must have been tough. Ooooooh, the Reverend Reggie Jackson!!! This is SO cool. I can't wait to tell Kristine about this. She's my favorite daughter, you know.
Madonna: First, my name is Madonna. I am Italian. I have classic grace and presence. I have adapted my style to remain popular for decades. The one thing that has bothered me about the Vatican is that it has always about Catholicism. I mean, would it hurt to mix in another religion every once in awhile? I have been studying various religions over the years, and would love to introduce Kaballah and maybe a touch of Wicca. Christianity is OK, but has anything new happened recently? New religions=New music videos for me.
EJ: Pope Sir Elton John sounds good to me!! I can explain what I would mean to the Vatican in three words: Fab-U-Lous (snapping his fingers in the shape of a Z)!! I mean, woooooooo!!!! Can you imagine? They would be getting a queen and a Pope in one shot. Plus, I look amazing in white.
J-Lo: You would just lovvvvvve me as da Pope. No, for serious, I would be like BAMMM!!! And BOOOM!! No Pope has had an ass like this since Pope Gregory XVI back in like 1840 or sometin. And, could he shake his hips like this (breaks into gyrating dance moves... Jesus covers Teresas eyes)? I dont tink so!!! Heyyyyyyyyyyyy yall. Jenny From The Block as the Pope would be Dope (Licks her finger, touches her ass and makes a sizzle sound).
Samuel L: Mannnnn, I most definitely should be the next Pope. The church has been all soft and gentle lately. Fuck that!!! Man, when I'm the Pope, the Popemobile is gonna be a funky ol Caddy...gonna drive around Vatican City like, 'Thats right, bitch. Who's your Pope?' hehehehe......my Pope hat will say Bad Mother Fucker on it. I will make the church THE place to be, yall can bet on that. Shiiiiiiiit.
Bono: (mumbles incoherently in a super-thick accent)
"In AMERICAN!!!" yells a frustrated Jesus, who runs his hands through his hair and takes a sip of his Coke.
Surry, judges(takes of his yellow lense glasses). Me accent is a bit thick, I suppuse. To be the Pupe would be a great hunur. Like the uthers have said, the cluthes kick ass, the crib is fucking awesome. Id be sure to end all wars and it really shouldn't interefere with our summer tour dates. I dun't think people pray as much in the summer, anyhow. Pupe Bono, baaaaaby.
Thursday, April 07, 2005
Before the competition begins, here's your chance to make any comments or predictions.
Welcome back. Yesterday we met our men.....now, it's Ladies Night! Lets meet our lovely female finalists.....they are:
Wednesday, April 06, 2005
Ladies and gentlemen....after thousands have tried out, we've narrowed our search for the next Pope down to the Final 10. Five men, Five women.
I was just planning on using our beloved AI contestants for Pope Idol, but I like the suggestions of Madonna, Bono, etc., being in the competition. So before this thing starts, I need some contestants.
Tuesday, April 05, 2005
Welcome back world!! We're coming live from the Vatican..It's been 25 years since our last show, and its good to be back. Tony Orlando wasn't available to host this time, so I'm proud to have the honor.
Our esteemed panel of judges, Rev. Jesse Jackson, Mother Teresa, and Jesus Christ are here, so give it up for them!!
The crowd has gathered, and everyone's praying for their favorites....the competition begins NOW.
I have found my cause. After doing some research, it has come to my attention that Humor Deficiency Syndrome (HDS)* affects thousands of people each year, many in our own backyard.
Sunday, April 03, 2005
People are stupid. We all know this, but sometimes reminders are nice. For example, if someone posts a fake article ON APRIL FOOL'S DAY about a famous contestant on a famous reality show, and you get genuinely upset by this, you are pathetic. REALLY.
Disclaimer For The Stupid
This is ONLY a blog. If this had been actual news, it wouldn't be as funny and you'd be watching it on TV, where everything is true.
Other Slow Children
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i'll add more later