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Saturday, March 19, 2005


We enter the kitchen/family room.

Kristine is blogging away about something that will make other people cry. She is distracted from the glowing monitor by movement from across the darkened room. A cold chill runs down her spine as the overhead lights flicker. She is facing the cold, demonic eyes of a field mouse. The visitor is peeping up from the bowels of hell (ok, just from the oven burner). Kristine grabs for her weapon and fires. Shot after shot, and the rodent shrugs them off and returns to its firey home, vowing to return for her.

Kristine: I'm not afraid of you, you little bitch (only half confident of her statement).

Shaun enters the room after a hard day of manual labor. He sets down his construction hardhat and notices Kristine. She is still at the PC, but transfixed on the demon lair across the kitchen.

Kristine: Kill...the... bitch... Shaun.

Shaun: Damn you, Kristine. Don't make me do this. I'm telling you the same thing I told the Navy SEALs. I'm done killing. Have you ever had to look into the eyes of a dying field mouse? Have you?!?

He tries to turn away as Kristine stands and grabs him by his bulging biceps.....

Kristine: I'm so scared, Shaun. I just want her....dead. I watched that thing take shot after shot from my D-70, and it didn't even budge. Kill the bitch, Shaun. KILL IT.

(Their eyes meet and his knowing nod assures her that he will do what must be done to protect her)

He kisses her goodbye, grabs the keys to his Harley, fires it up and leaves for supplies for the final battle. Fighting off memories he swore he'd never relive, he purchases a two-pack of Victor mouse traps. He's going old-school on her rodent ass.

He loads up both traps, one with cheese and the other with peanut butter, and stealthly places them in the oven area.

Somewhere in the darkness of night, a snap echoes through the house. The little bitch got greedy, and her final meal was a taste of peanut butter and the taste of cold steel snapping her to death.

Shaun 1, mouse 0.

posted by Shaun at 3:21 PM
link | 7 comments

Wednesday, March 16, 2005

DAMN


, originally uploaded by slowchildrenatplay.

Its the night before St.Patricks Day AND the NCAA Mens College Basketball Tournament....and I'm blogging about my high school hair. Pathetic. But Bad Hair Thursday demnds it.

Its 1987, and everyone is walking like an Egyptian and Wang Chung-ing through this latter part of the 80's. Debbie Gibson and Tiffany were Britney and Christina. High hair is in, and my hair was no exception. Starting in the Mountain Time Zone, my hair increases altitude, clearing the cranial region. After a cruising altitude of 5'11", it begins the rapid descent towards my right temple and Northern California. It finishes nicely with a soft, feathery plateu above ear level. The golden glow of my Sun-In'd mane, in contrast to the shorter, darker, and "gelled for no reason" shorter hair on the sides and back, completed the look.

Thank God my parents forced me to wear a generic suit on picture day or I'd be explaining the paisley Generra shirt, the rolled pants legs, or the bolo tie. Really, it was that bad. Funny to think that the freaks with the shaved heads look the most fashion conscious now.

So unless VH1's "This is the 80's" series hits volume 17, this is probably your only shot to see the 'do. Also a rare shot of my Cindy Crawford mole that was removed sometime during that school year.

Geez, I can't stop looking at those amber waves of vain. I'm going to go work on my college basketball selections, try to block it out.

Everybody have fun tonight. Everybody Wang Chung tonight......now its stuck in your head too.

posted by Shaun at 11:10 PM
link | 0 comments

Sunday, March 13, 2005

Lekfullet Veckoslut!! (Good Weekend!)


(In my best bad Swedish accent)

Yaaaaa,
Ve had a great weekend. Our trip to da Bay Area was awesome. Kristine will blog about San Francisco, I'll stick to da trip to da IKEA store.

Once inside, ve had our usual fun shopping. A very nice employee, ve'll call him Sven, informed us dat each IKEA product vas actually named for someding....a voman's name, a lake, etc, but dey all had meaning, ya. Of course, dat meant I now had to read all da damn names in addition to looking at everyding!! Ve laughed at da tag for the Tea Kettles dat read : "It Whistles When The Water Boils!"....Ve kept saying dis ova and ova in our best Svedish accests....It Vhistles Ven da Vata Boils!!....of course, we're odd.

Since none of you got to enjoy de fun vith us, I'm posting a little quiz for you. De following are twenty names. Dey are either IKEA products(I) or porn stars(P).

No fair cheating. Reply with your guesses(numbers followed by I's or P's) and I'll post da answers tomorrow.


1. Nautica Thorn
2. Inari Vachs
3. Jana Cova
4. Energi Rock
5. Mika Tan
6. Sabina Slinga
7. Eva Henger
8. Ellen Sno
9. Dralla
10. Blanda Matt
11. Tassa Svans
12. Alvine Bi
13. Lezley Zen
14. Fejka
15. Minka
16. Jutta Smal
17. Anno Felicia
18. Malezia
19. Anekee
20. Katja Kean

jag hoppas att du lyckas!!! (good luck)

posted by Shaun at 4:53 PM
link | 13 comments

Disclaimer For The Stupid

This is ONLY a blog. If this had been actual news, it wouldn't be as funny and you'd be watching it on TV, where everything is true.


Me

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