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Wednesday, March 09, 2005

Finally.....the moment that you've all been waiting for, your Flea Market Idol. After searching through literally tens of flea markets across the country for the hottest talent, and after your blog votes have been tabulated, the time has come.

In the last post, we'd shown you our top 13. Now, in no particular order, we give you the top three.......right after this.

(annoying commercial break while the nervous contestants chain smoke and free-base black tar heroine)

And our top three finalists..........

Effie Underwood (crowd woof-woofs as FU front leans her way onstage)

Shelli "Marlboro Red" McKay (stomps out her cigarette and sets down her icee and walks onstage)

(unknown) (slides his giant sword into its sheath and gangsta-strolls on stage, geving Effie a fist pound)

America, these are your three finalists. Before we announce the winner, lets go to our judges for their opinions.........


"Yo dogs, what is UPPPPP? You know what man, ya'll did yo thangs up there. You were each a bit pitchy at times, but you were aight."


"(tears in her eyes as she stands up and gives a standing ovation) I'm so pround of all three of you. You are all winners in my book. I would be proud to be with any of you at any flea market!!"

Uh-oh, Simon's got that look....Simon?

"Shaun, whaaaat are you wearing? Frankly, I don't know how you haven't gotten stabbed by one of those large NASCAR knives for looking sooooo gay."

Simon, about the final three?

"If I'm being honest with you, I could find better talent in any flea market or swap meet anywhere. They're just not thaaaat good. Sorry."

(unknown slowly slides the sword....)

OK, the votes have been counted, and I've ran this post into the ground, so without further delay, your Flea Market Idol is........

"Marlboro Red"!!!!!!!!!!!!

The snack bar crowd goes crazy and everyone raises their beers and nachos!!!

Shelli, you ARE the Flea Market Idol!!! Shelli, please honor us in singing your soon-to-be-released single "Tracks Of My Arms"!!!!

America, thanks for watching, see you next post.

Shaun, ouuuuutttttttttttttt!!!!!

posted by Shaun at 10:54 PM
link | 10 comments

Monday, March 07, 2005

, originally uploaded by slowchildrenatplay.

Welcome back!! This season of Flea Market Idol has led to this....the final thirteen contestants. Among this group is this year's Flea Market Idol, who will win over $100 in tools, used cassettes, and gold teeth caps.

Phone lines open at the end of this post, and remember to vote for your favorite flea marketing crooner. Before the lines open, lets recap the final thirteen contestants......

#1- Effie Underwood (Eff-U to her fans). This gangsta rapping GILF won over the country with her stirring rendition of NWA's "Fuck The Police". Her trademark forward lean has become all the rage in inner-city dance clubs.

#2-LaRonda Anderson. The sultry soul sista is the vanilla voice in a Shirley Hemphill package. Bandanas and ponytails never looked so good.

#3-Coo Chi Koo. The 'Yoda' of the competition, Koo's chants are truly unique. His buddhist chant version of "Who Let The Dogs Out" has carried him to the final thirteen.

#4- Billy "No Profile" Chan drives the snack bar honeys wild when this mega-chinned singer belts out his favorite Country songs from the early 80's.

#5- Hector D and his trademark 'condom cap' always gets the crowd in the mood. Feel like lovin on a faux fur rug(aisle 7) under some really shiny brass floor lamps(aisle 12, behind the ceramic giraffes), the soothing sound of Hector will do the trick.

#6-Stretch Potter. The tallest contestant in the group at 7'7", Stretch was discovered singing while hanging the protective tarp over the duct tape booth in an Arizona flea market.

#7-Francis. This peaceful hippie got his start in showbiz as Pee-wee's arch enemy in Pee-Wee's Big Adventure. Talented? I know you are, but what am I ?? Infinity.

#8- (unknown) This jungle-fevered brother is buying a fucking sword. He wanted into the competetion and we were afraid to say no to the Motown Musketeer.

#9-Adwa-Ah-Ahli-Zawaar-Jabeer-The oldest contestant at 112, Jabeer was actually voted out three weeks ago, but we haven't found a translator to inform her. She mostly just walks around anyway.

#10-Shelli "Marlboro Red" McKay- This sexy diva takes lounge singing into the 21st century. Crank and cigarettes sales always skyrocket when Shelli (with an 'i' for the younger crowd) takes the stage/auction stand.

#11- Juan. The underdog of the final thirteen, Juan only performs inside his 1987 Toyota van. When that side door slides open and the golden tones (and Tecate bottles) roll out, you'd think you were in Heaven's Swap Meet.

#12-Cassie Mays- The young hottie of the final thirteen, Mays actually stirred up the conversation around the incense booth when she admitted to having once applied for a junior college class. After an emergency producers session, it was determined she could continue until her MediCal kicks in or her final trimester, whichever comes first.

#13-Emma Jean- This former carnie made state fair folklore years ago when she stopped an out of control Tilt-A-Whirl with nothing but her smoking left foot. She slowed the ride to a grinding halt, saving the lunch of literally dozens. Now she has parlayed her fame into a successful singing career. "The singing port-a-pottie changer" can be heard belting out hits from the Big Band era to today's smoothest jams.

Phone Lines are now open. If you're out of change, the Spanish speaking fruit juice-bar guy with his cart will be by shortly.

Shaun ouuuuuutttttttt!!!!!!!

posted by Shaun at 10:46 PM
link | 10 comments

Sunday, March 06, 2005

header, originally uploaded by slowchildrenatplay.

Because everyone isn't fortunate enough to visit Denio's Flea Market in Roseville, CA, I decided to bring some of their finer products to you via this blog.

From the electronics section (as marked on the pavement by the spray paint), Denio's presents the Daffy Duck Hair dryer. Available for ridiculouthsly low prithes!

daffy duck

Tired of washing socks? Denio's is for you. This is the only retail outlet that actually sells athletic socks by the cord (delivery available)


Like your officially sanctioned NASCAR pocket knife but unhappy about its portability? Again, Denio's to the rescue. These bad boys are a good foot long. Need to split a MGD, now you don't even need to open the can first.

nascar knives

From the extinct animal sculture department, Denios' stable of artists are proud to offer the 'hybrid'. This beautiful sculpture offers the grace of the deer and the work ethic of the donkey(opposite of most of my employees).


and of course, Denio's is known for its universally respected religious collection. For all of you with John 3:16 signs, enjoy the Bethlehem Mangers' throwback home jersey. Made entires of fine mesh, you don't have to be a wise man to recognize this bargain.

"Jesus saves....in to Moses for the dunk"

mary tank

Fans of the Team will also enjoy the commemorative framed photos of your favorite player (including rare Pope before 'Air Pope John Pauls' became all the rage)


And last, but not least for your fun and holy tailgate parties, be sure to check out the fuzzy blanket immaculate collection. Not sure where Betty Boop falls in line, think its a Mormon thing.

betty and mary

....more Denios action in the coming days.

posted by Shaun at 8:09 PM
link | 4 comments

Blog Title, originally uploaded by slowchildrenatplay.

Date: March 5, 2005 Time: 1930
Victim reports excessive bleeding from left earlobe. Victim has had ears pierced for less than a week, discovered injury during routine cleaning. Injury appears to be "vewy sewious".

After attempting to stop the bleeding, CSI agent Shaun has discovered that the ear has apparently stopped bleeding, and now has actually hardened on the earlobe in a nail poilsh-like manner. The fact that the only way to remove the 'blood' was with nail polish remover added to the mystery. We closed off the crime scene to investigate.....

the bathroom where the crime took place:

looking a little closer......

Victim Statement: "I Twipped. I was in the bathwoom. I twipped ovew a bwush in the floow. I think I might have hit it on something."

When asked about the possibility that unauthorized nail polish might have been involved, victim adamantly denied any knowledge of said nail polish "unless it was thewe when I twipped"

Since no other witnesses came forward, CSI agents Shaun and Kristine determined that the victim would be allowed to slide since the situation was funny, even though the nail polish on the earlobe, in the handprint on the wall next to the medicine cabinet, and in the medicine cabinet all match perfectly, according to the lab.

posted by Shaun at 7:14 PM
link | 5 comments

Disclaimer For The Stupid

This is ONLY a blog. If this had been actual news, it wouldn't be as funny and you'd be watching it on TV, where everything is true.





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