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Saturday, February 19, 2005

Artificial Crab


, originally uploaded by slowchildrenatplay.

OK, so as part of my plea bargain with the District Attorney's office, I need to post an educational blog entry.

While in the grocery store today, I passed the seafood section and the artificial crab caught my eye. Not because I like seafood (I don't), but just because of the purpose of this food. You don't see artificial beef or chicken so whats up with the crab. And why does it look just like the real thing? Maybe I HAVE been eating artificial beef all along. ***sidenote, before I forget...superficial crab would be a good band name***

So I decided to do some research, and found out the following(thanks Google):

The flaky, red-edged faux crab is most likely made of Alaska Pollock. This ugly-ass fish is is the most common fish used to make fake crab, although New Zealand Hoki is also used, and some Asian manufacturers use Southeast Asian fish like Golden Treadfin Bream and White Croaker(another great band name).

The processing of imitation crabmeat begins with the skinning and boning of the fish. Then the meat is minced and rinsed, and the water is leached out. This creates a thick paste called surimi(Japanese for "nasty fish-paste shit").

Many ingredients are added to the surimi to give it a stable form, appealing texture, and crab-like flavor. Sugar, sorbitol(yummy!), wheat or tapioca starch, egg whites, and vegetable or soybean oil can all help improve the form of the surimi. Natural and artificial crab flavorings are added, and some of these flavorings are made from real crab or from boiled shells. Carmine, caramel, paprika, and annatto extract are often used to make the crab's red, orange, or pink coloring.

Just to fuck with the seafood industry, I'm going to invent artificial Alaska Pollock, made with real crab. Well, time for my REAL pot roast.

posted by Shaun at 5:47 PM
link | 4 comments

Friday, February 18, 2005

Mein Kris


, originally uploaded by slowchildrenatplay.

You try to make a fraulein feel better by killing off der healthy neighbors in the cul-de-sac, and you get grief for it. I get called Nurse Hitler!! VERDAMMT!!!!

so....back to work on my perfect race of NyQuil Nazis. The mass graves of kleenex and toilet paper, the destruction of allied flu medicines, and the financial hardship to the Starbucks and Marlboro Light people, are all part of my master plan!!

MWAHAHAHAHA!!!!

das ende

posted by Shaun at 9:30 PM
link | 2 comments

Thursday, February 17, 2005

Yikes!!!!


, originally uploaded by slowchildrenatplay.

My poor honey.

This cold/flu shit is hitting her hard. I reference the cult classic Evil Dead for the closest comparison. Somewhere in a cabin in the woods, a professor is reciting a passage from Snotmucus, which is Latin for Book of The Flu. Evil flu spirits are awoken from the dead. They have possessed what used to be a beautiful, snotless, vertical woman.

Its times like this when you question God. How could a merciful god allow a pack of rabid wolverines to attack a few defenseless kleenex boxes on our bed? In the dark, I step on wet washcloths and smell Vicks Vaporub. Oh, the humanity!!! This room used to smell like candles....although the wet washcloths were always there.

NyQuil, DayQuil. If there was an MidMorningQuil, it would be in this kitchen half-empty right now. Empty pill packages, little sharp-ass aluminum foil and plastic remnants of our drug supply, now litter our house.

I'm popping Vitamin C and washing my hands like a maniac. After hearing one of her sneezing fits, I actually boiled one of our kids to protect them. I had to rethink the Outbreak-style bedroom door barrier and HazMat suits....all my clothes are in there and I can't work the remote with those big gloves. Guess I'll hve to take my chances.

Wish me luck...oh, we're at Mucus Level Apple-Green right now. Things look safe for me to get to bed.

posted by Shaun at 10:42 PM
link | 2 comments


Yikes!!!!


, originally uploaded by slowchildrenatplay.

My poor honey.

This cold/flu shit is hitting her hard. I reference the cult classic Evil Dead for the closest comparison. Somewhere in a cabin in the woods, a professor is reciting a passage from Snotmucus, which is Latin for Book of The Flu. Evil flu spirits are awoken from the dead. They have possessed what used to be a beautiful, snotless, vertical woman.

Its times like this when you question God. How could a merciful god allow a pack of rabid wolverines to attack a few defenseless kleenex boxes on our bed? In the dark, I step on wet washcloths and smell Vicks Vaporub. Oh, the humanity!!! This room used to smell like candles....although the wet washcloths were always there.

NyQuil, DayQuil. If there was an MidMorningQuil, it would be in this kitchen half-empty right now. Empty pill packages, little sharp-ass aluminum foil and plastic remnants of our drug supply, now litter our house.

I'm popping Vitamin C and washing my hands like a maniac. After hearing one of her sneezing fits, I actually boiled one of our kids to protect them. I had to rethink the Outbreak-style bedroom door barrier and HazMat suits....all my clothes are in there and I can't work the remote with those big gloves. Guess I'll hve to take my chances.

Wish me luck...oh, we're at Mucus Level Apple-Green right now. Things look safe for me to get to bed.

posted by Shaun at 10:42 PM
link | 0 comments

Monday, February 14, 2005

The Boy


, originally uploaded by slowchildrenatplay.

I love this kid. Its hard to believe the little guy who I used to watch Disney Sing-Along videos with is 14. Its amazing to me to see him become a young man. Sometimes I wonder which one of us is helping and teaching the other. And the kid's sense of humor might be deadly between my dad's genes, me raising him, and Kristine's fine tuning. If they have a Humor Olympics, my money's on this kid for 2008. He's already smarter that me, is just about taller than me (jokes on the difficulty level of either of those two accomplishments are expected), and really could be or do anything. He hasn't realized how uncool it is to hang out with me yet, so I'm milking this time while I can. Its not his birthday, and he didn't do anything abnormally funny or weird. Just wanted to post this during commercials of the show we're watching together while he's supposed to be in bed. Like I said, already smarter than me.

posted by Shaun at 10:30 PM
link | 3 comments

Sunday, February 13, 2005

thanks!!


, originally uploaded by slowchildrenatplay.

Thank you for having such a wonderful daughter!! Watching her with you and Kathy, its so clear why she is who she is, from being goofy to cuddly to being the most loving and caring person I've ever known. If she's going to turn out like you, I definitely have some fun, love, and laughing in my future. HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY, and thanks for the greatest gift of them all.

posted by Shaun at 11:19 PM
link | 0 comments


Honey Badger Day!!


, originally uploaded by slowchildrenatplay.

I wrote and wrote and finally deleted the whole thing. I really don't want to write anything funny or elaborate here.

I love you VERY VERY much Kristine. You mean the world to me!! You are the BEST.

posted by Shaun at 10:59 PM
link | 1 comments

Disclaimer For The Stupid

This is ONLY a blog. If this had been actual news, it wouldn't be as funny and you'd be watching it on TV, where everything is true.


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