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Thursday, February 03, 2005

Valentine's Day Massacre

, originally uploaded by slowchildrenatplay.

February 14th...Its the day the CEO of Hallmark french kisses strangers in the hallway. Jewelry store owners take a break between marking up all their prices to browse a Mercedes Benz catalog(add another 10% to the tennis bracelets, the Bose sound system is a must). Florists offer guaranteed delivery on Valentine's Day for a small charge(ahem...why does this contract mention my soul?).

Women who normally like romantic things 'just because' are now transfixed by the alien signal being broadcast around the world through ads for diamond bracelets and luxury cars with big red bows(This signal speeds up women's hormonal and nervous systems, which is why February 29th and 30th were ultimately removed from the calendar by men). Women who normally enjoy small, sweet gestures now need to redeem their relationship points before they expire on February 15th. Limit one man per coupon please, sorry, ex-wife.

Its not your fault,women of the world, the aliens are powerful. If you think we enjoy watching NFL draft coverage for fourteen hours or three straight hours of the same one hour SportsCenter, you're wrong...but our Close Encounters are generally spread throughout the year and relatively inexpensive. You get the concentrated focus of red and pink bows, hearts, poetry, and candy....we get anal probings and the crawling scores of the NBA.

Don't get me wrong, we men LOVE ya. Really, we do. Imagine the ratings of the Lifetime Channel and the Soap Opera Network on February 13th, when men throughout the world are passing the sports bars and strip clubs to get purchase ANYTHING red, heart-shaped, or velvety.

We'll do it and hope you like what we bought you. Really, we will. Remember that the hypnotizing commercials will be gone by the 15th, but we'll still be holding your hair when you're throwing up and buying you tampons when we only were going to the store for hot dog buns. Now THAT should be on the Hallmark card.

ps-I love you, honey....and I will try to get something you'll love. I'm taking back the red-velvet box of tampons too.

posted by Shaun at 10:31 PM
link | 18 comments

Tuesday, February 01, 2005

Kristine's Brain

, originally uploaded by slowchildrenatplay.

Just brainstorming because I'm blog-fodderless for the evening, picked a few random and odd things about this crazy woman I love. Had to limit the items because I'm tired and, frankly, I would probably need to open an entire gallery for this.

I think things might actually float around like this in there!!

posted by Shaun at 11:18 PM
link | 8 comments

Monday, January 31, 2005

, originally uploaded by slowchildrenatplay.

He pounds away at the keyboard, unaware that it is walking down the hallway, slowly approaching him. The feet in the fuzzy mismatched socks slide past a backpack, a stray shoe, and a small trail of dead ants( hat have been left on the tile in a Raid lacquer as an example to those ants who dare to follow). The camera slowly pans up the cozy comfy pajama bottoms and fuzzy pink robe to show a flurry of blonde hair. IT IS ALIVE. Flashes of Starbucks coffee cups, Marlboro Lights, then the screen fades to black as the sound of the computer desk chair squeaks as the typing eerily ends. IT has been awakened from its slumber and it will not rest until it has blogged.

posted by Shaun at 11:44 PM
link | 1 comments

Sunday, January 30, 2005

How Much Do You Love Me?

, originally uploaded by slowchildrenatplay.

This damn question was created in a secret women's convention somewhere deep in the Alps circa 1945 in an effort to fluster Earth's male population.

I get the question from Kristine probably two or three times a month. I usually respond with a random number ("I'd say about a 72") or with my toddler answer ("Thisssssss much", with my arms extended). Then I get the empty feeling of having answered the math teacher's question by getting it from the back of the book. It may be technically accurate, but I have no data to support it and certainly no ability to elaborate.

With the frequency of the question increasing, I've decided that a unit of measurement is far overdue for love. If you can measure the quality of a movie or restaurant with stars, and if the college football championship can be determined by a computer that will never be able to tailgate, then surely love can be quantified.

After a few phone calls to scientists, mathemeticians, and male escorts(luckily Kristine had these on speed-dial, she must have known I was doing research), I have created a formula to accurately measure a man's love for a woman. Men around the world will thank me as we answer your question with pride and confidence!!

The formula is confidential (men, e-mail me with the name of the 1967 NL Rookie of the Year for the formula), but let me be the first to clearly and precisely answer the question:

Kristine, I love you 87.678 sph (smiles per hour)*

*Pacific Standard Time, Unleaded gasoline price of $1.77 per gallon, and 600-thread count sheets were all used for this figure

posted by Shaun at 3:55 PM
link | 1 comments

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