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Thursday, January 27, 2005

Frankenshea


, originally uploaded by slowchildrenatplay.

When disposable shoes are invented, Shea will have been the inspiration. It doesn't matter where the shoes were last night, because at least one of them will be missing this morning. Such was the case this morning, and the drama ensued. Waking up to a household of kids in various stages of readiness is frantic enough, but when Shea's shoes are missing, the house hits drama level red.

After I told her that she would have to wear her sister's shoes(which are 1/2 size larger than her own) to school, her gift of theatre came out. After the tears, which are just a given with a Shea-Shoe-Crisis, I was treated to the most pathetic, gut-wrenching, hilarious perforance I've seen to date from her.

These evil shoes were 'wiggly', according to her description between tears. When I checked to make sure they weren't too big, they seemed to fit her better than they even fit her older sister. What I hadn't accounted for was the evil spell some witch doctor in the Congo must have placed on the wiggly shoes. For now, Shea could neither walk nor stand. I'd help her up, and she'd slink back to the carpet. When I finally stood her up, she walked with her arms leaning on any wall or solid surface, balancing like a toddler taking her first steps. A first grade Frankenstein had been created in my evil lab (also called the shoe closet). I unleashed my monster onto the world by driving her to the neighbors' before school. Excited to see her friend, she hopped out of the car, skipped halfway up the lawn before remembering she was supposed to be in character, and slowly monster stepped to the front door with her arms reaching in front of her. Frankenshea was back, so first graders beware. Vats of hot tar and torches will be available in the cafeteria.

posted by Shaun at 9:11 AM
link | 8 comments

Monday, January 24, 2005

24


24, originally uploaded by slowchildrenatplay.

Kiefer Sutherland is a wuss. Give the guy 24 hours and he can disable bombs, stop assassination attempts, save the country from terrorists....all without bathroom trips or meals. Impressive enough, but can he stop his girlfriend from hitting the snooze bar 17 times every morning? Can he survive 8 1/2 hours in a State office without killing someone? Can he shop and make a meal for two adults and five kids for $20 (including cigarettes....these kids have GOT to quit soon)? Can he do all of this, and still have enough time after baths, homework, and laundry to spend more than 3.1 seconds with the girlfriend (practicing her snooze bar karate chop as we speak)?

Didn't think so. Wuss.

posted by Shaun at 11:24 PM
link | 1 comments

Sunday, January 23, 2005

Waking The Dead


sheas out, originally uploaded by slowchildrenatplay.

She's normally SO cute....when conscious. THEN it happens. She crashes, she runs herself into exhaustion after hours of Polly Pockets and Disney Channel movies. Alcoholic marathon runners on Valium don't sleep this well. She has collapsed on the couch before the final necessary bathroom trip of the night. So I need to waking the sleeping beauty to prepare her for bed. It sounds so easy, much like occupying Vietnam or finding Osama Bin Laden. The chore may be a natural one for those parents lucky enough to have normal children in thier homes. But this girl is different. I believe in reincarnation, because I see this girl rise from the dead on a daily basis. Reviving her on this particular night happens as follows:

1. "Honey, you need to wake up, go potty, and go to bed"

2. Repeat #1, with a gentle nudge.

3. Repeat #2, with a second, more forceful nudge.

4. Repeat #3, louder and slightly more violent.

5. "YOU NEED TO WAKE UP, GO POTTY, AND GO TO BED...HONEY" (the 'honey' at the end was meant to take the meanness out of the all caps statement).

6. Physically sit the child up, and repeat various rantings of #1-5.

7. Physically standing the dead girl up and desperately and incoherently alternating between begging, coaxing, and punishing remarks.

8. The thoughts of clothespins, wire hangers, and ice water all are considered and ultimately dismissed before simply carrying the child to the bathroom.

9. SUCCESS...one of her eyes has opened approximately 33%, but I am apparently speaking a foreign language that cannot be understood by the dead.

10. The girl agrees to use the bathroom and go to bed, or at least thats what I'm hoping I was able to decipher from the mumbling.

11. The bathroom door has been closed for a few minutes,so I'm sure she's asleep on the toilet or on the floor, but the room is empty. Thank God.

12. She's on the couch. I give up. Rest in peace, little one. I'll just wash the sheets in the morning.

posted by Shaun at 2:30 PM
link | 0 comments

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This is ONLY a blog. If this had been actual news, it wouldn't be as funny and you'd be watching it on TV, where everything is true.


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