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Friday, April 15, 2005

Tensions are high here in Vatican City. We're down to our last elimination of the round, with Samuel L facing off against Martha. Jesus has chosen the final contest to be the most exciting and disturbing of all. So disturbing, in fact, that we have moved to the dark basement of the Vatican for this one. Ladies and gentlemen, put the kids to bed and prepare for the most final of contests....Russian Roulette!! Two contestants, one gun, one bullet. Picking the winner in this one will be obvious.

A single table sits under a hanging lamp in the basement of the vatican. Jesus places the gun on the table and steps away. From the shadows, Samuel L walks to the table and takes a seat. Martha appears a second later and sits across from him. They stare each other down (Oprah proudly watches on closed circuit tv). Either of you have anything to say?

Samuel L: Shit yeah, I got something to say. See, there's this passage I got memorized, Ezekiel 25:17. "The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who,"

Martha(irritated): Todayyyyyy, Samuel.

Samuel L(pissed): Girl, interrupt me again. Do it, I dare ya. I will lay my vengenance upon thee!!!

Martha opens and closes her fingers and thumb in a mocking talking motion. Samuel picks up the gun.

Samuel L: Bitch, you wanna meet Jesus?

Martha(mockingly): Sam, he's sitting right over there. Can we just get started? Oh, I sprayed the bullet in a cinammon apple scent. I figure it would make for a nicer exit for one of us. It's a good thing.

We've flipped a coin and Samuel L, you're pulling the trigger first. Good luck.
Samuel L sits straight up, puts the gun to his head. He closes his eyes and pulls the trigger.


Samuel L exhales, open his eyes, and slides the gun across the table. Martha takes the gun.

Martha lifts the weapon to her head, looks Samuel L in the eyes, and pulls the trigger.


Samuel L's eyes widen as the spray hits him. The bitch and the gun drop to the floor. Samuel L keeps staring at the area where Martha used to be.

Well, uh, that was....uh, different. Samuel L, congratulations. I don't think Martha will be returning to the competition!! (crowd erupts in laughter) Well, thats it, folks. We're down to our final five, where this thing will get REALLY exciting. So until next post......hey, anyone else smell apple pie?.........Shaun ouuuutttttttttttttttt

(Samuel L still sits paralyzed in his chair)

posted by Shaun at 7:27 PM
link |


Blogger Susie commented at 8:25 PM~  

OK. I've been here acting like I think this shit is funny up until now. This is serious, now. Apparently YOU didn't run out and BUY THE FUCKING MARTHA STEWART LIVING STOCK AS SOON AS SHE WALKED OUT OF THE MUTHAFUCKING PRISON GATES like I did. DID YOU? Now what? Thanks A LOT, Shaun.

Blogger Tina commented at 9:12 PM~  

Ok I love your blog but you are covering the cost of my Dr now that the flashbacks are back.
It is cool, I will live. Do not get me wrong I hate her but could you not have played hangman with a real rope.

Blogger Shaun commented at 9:12 PM~  

DAMN....sorry Susie. It stops being funny when I'm messin with yo money. My bad. Just think of that stock as a collector's item now.

Blogger Shaun commented at 9:13 PM~  

Tina, hangman with a real rope is GREAT!!! Wish I'd thought of that!!

Blogger dashababy commented at 10:28 PM~  

Susie your crackin me up girl.

Heyyy, I thought Jesus didnt like violence,, and thats why the Fonz got kicked off. Totally bogus I tell you.
Im still boycotting.
That was harsh dude.

Anonymous Jesus commented at 11:02 PM~  

DON'T question me Kathy!! I know good ratings. Plus, Shaun was running out of ideas.

Blogger Susie commented at 3:52 AM~  

Jesus, you're ALWAYS too easy on people like him! Always forgiving, always giving them another chance. Who do you think you are, JESUS?
Oh. Never mind.

Blogger kimmyk commented at 4:11 AM~  

I was on the edge of my seat.
What did Oprah say? She say anything? I think her and Samuel are in cahoots together.

Blogger Random and Odd commented at 8:27 AM~  

Kath was right. How come The Fonz had to leave because of little bar fight with a sissy-la-la band member?



Anonymous mrtl commented at 11:07 AM~  

Whiskey Tango Foxtrot, Jesus? You're an asshole.

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