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Monday, April 11, 2005

The Fight to Remain


Tensions are high and the competition is heating up. The next competition was chosen by Jesus. Jesus, tell us what is in store.

Jesus: As a big fan of movies from the 80's, I chose a competition to reflect this. I loved "The Karate Kid", so the competition I chose is a Karate bout between two of our finalists. After careful consideration, I selected a bout between Bono and The Fonz. We'll follow the rules of the All Valley competition that Daniel-San won twenty years ago (yes, the movie came out in 1984...damn I feel old). the first fighter to reach three point wins.....and the loser goes home like the Cobra Kai did.

Well, there you have it. Our producers have obviously listened to the Catholic outcry regarding the lack of violence in recent church history. Bono vs. The Fonz.........next!

(insert gay music video commercial for new Pope Cola featuring the remaining nine contestants singing in a 50's Diner)

We cut to Vatican Dojo, home of such historical Papal matches as Pope Sixtus IV vs a young unranked Innocent VIII in 1484 and possibly the greatest Catholic Karate match of all time, Clement XIV vs. Pius VI in 1775, in a match better known as the Holy War. In white, we have Kristine's Mom, aka The Fonz, practicing her roundhouse kicks. In black, we have Bono jumping up and down with nervous energy.

The referee instructs the two to shake hands, steps between the two, then signals for the start of the match. The crowd cheers for their favorites as the two measure each other. Bono shoots forward to punch, but the Fonz avoids the punch and connects with a kick to Bono's ribs.

Point to Fonz! Fonz 1-0

Bono clutches his side and regroups. The two fighters reset and are signalled to begin. A few wild punches and kicks miss before Fonz connects with a blow to Bono's jaw, knocking off his orange sunglasses.

Fonz 2, Bono 0

Bono walks to the edge of the mat and notices his orange glasses are broken. He looks at the Fonz with fury and walks back to his mark. At the signal, Bono runs at the Fonz, and with a bitch-move, kicks her in the side of the knee, sending the Fonz tumbling to the ground. The crowd goes nuts, booing and screaming at Bono. Jesus throws a can of Pope Cola.

Fonz 2, Bono 1.

The Fonz limps the her mark as the two fighter reset. The signal is given, and the two square off. After a lunge forward by the Fonz, Bono sweeps her leg with a kick, sending the Fonz reeling to the ground in pain. The crown is incensed, furious with the U2 frontman. The Fonz signals for a timeout.

Well folks, how's this for excitement? The Fonz, once up 2-0 in this contest, needs a timeout to hold off a furious rally by Bono. In a battle sure to be historic, stay tuned......Pope Idol will be right back.

(insert commercial for the new reality show, "Survivor:Intersection", where a group of homeless people compete for the ultimate prize: a custom two-story cardboard box and sign-making kit. As the competition progresses, contestants are voted off the concrete island)

We're back folks, an the next point will decide who stays and who goes. We're tied up at 2-2. Lets go back to the action.....



Bono takes his mark, fists clenched and ready to pounce.....The Fonz has her back to Bono, breathing carefully. She turns around with both hands above her head. She slowly lifts one knee and stands balanced in this position. The referee signals, Bono rushes in as The Fonz jumps, kicks, and strikes Bono right in his rosary beads. Bono crumbles to the ground and the crowd rushes the stage.

Fonz 3, Bono 2....WINNER!!!!

The Fonz yells over the crowd "Hey, Jesus, WE did it!!" as Jesus smiles and nods in approval.>

WOW WOW WOW....in a huuuuuge upset (OK, it upset Cat), The Fonz has eliminated Bono, one of the favorites, early in the competition. In hindsight, Bono's choice to wear black probably wasn't a good omen. But there you go, world.....THIS is what separates Pope Idol from all the pretenders. We're down to eight.......until next time..........

Shaun ouuuuutttttt

posted by Shaun at 6:07 PM
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13 Comments:

Blogger Pissy Britches commented at 6:17 PM~  

GO FONZ..GO FONZ...GO FONZ...

We want FONZ..We want FONZ..although I want to touch Bono..just once..
YES, I have a little crush..just a little one.

Blogger Cat commented at 6:26 PM~  

NOOOOOOO!

Aaaaaw. Bono! BONO! I LOVE YOU!

This sucks. What happened? I don't think my prayers got through. I prayed, like, 234 times!

Blogger Susie commented at 6:50 PM~  

I just kept waiting for the Fonz to SHOOT him. Yay, Fonz!

Blogger kimmyk commented at 7:00 PM~  

Fonz,
You did well gwasshoppa.

*bows*

Blogger Tina commented at 9:44 PM~  

can not wait to see what the Fonz and Madona have to do.

Blogger The Macek Collective commented at 10:16 PM~  

A fucking fix if I ever saw one.

Blogger Shaun commented at 11:21 PM~  

Sorry Cat. You know how these fake reality tv show blogs go.......

Blogger dashababy commented at 11:32 PM~  

OMG! Cat you gotta get those prayer chains goin. The Fonz totally has the edge here with Jesus, not a fair fight for Bono. You never know, something might happen where one of the contestants gets kicked off for some reason and they could get Bono back just like Nikki on AI!!!
Keep the faith.
I myself voted for the Fonz, I have to, shes my mom.

Blogger Vajana commented at 7:13 AM~  

Bono will probably just put together a charity for himself and the other Idol losers.

Damn shame.

I was rooting for the Fonz anyway.

Blogger The Merry Widow commented at 7:20 AM~  

Put him in a body bag, Fonz!

Blogger little sister commented at 7:27 AM~  

Well, there goes my hope of Co-Popes, but the main thing is Fonz is still in the running.

I think Pope Fonz is what we have to look forward to. What a party!!!

GO FONZ!!!

Blogger Random and Odd commented at 7:34 AM~  

Something is up. If it was REALLY the fonz there would be a cast iron skillet in her right hand.

I don't know, I have a feeling something is up with that woman!!

Anonymous Mr. Myagi commented at 8:58 AM~  

Fonzie-San, show me 'light the cigarette'....now show me 'drink the coffee'.....goooooooooood.

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