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Friday, April 08, 2005

The BIG Question

Contestants, why should you win Pope Idol?

Jacko: Well, as everyone knows, I love everyone. Especially the children. So young, so innocent. As the Pope, I would bring llamas and Ferris Wheels to the Vatican and invite the world's children to visit. There'd be no adults allowed in to corrupt the little ones. We'd play games and have pillow fights, heehee. I giggle just thinking about it. heeheehee...

(Judges stare blankly at Jacko.....Jesus' mouth drops a little).

Martha: I believe I have something to add to the Catholic church. The church is nice, but is very old. It would be quite lovely to add some colorful flowers and trim to the Vatican, especially in springtime. There can never be enough throw pillows. Can you imagine the number of new Catholics when they enter the Cathedral and smell warm almond-poppy muffins and cinnamon-stick ginseng tea? Buy Catholic stock early...I should be the next Pope, it would be a good thing.

Homer: hehehe, Pope. Pope, Pope, Pope. "Pope" is a funny word. Plus, you get free robes and a big hat. Annnnnd, you get to stay at this big place where they have LOTS of Italian food. Marge said I'd have to go to church every Sunday, so that sucks....but LOTS of Italian food. mmmmmmm......they'd make anything I wanted, like they do for the president and Elvis. Pope-A-Roni......mmmmmm, meatballs and noodles shaped like crucifixes.

Oprah: Look, 'judges', I WILL be the next Pope(pointing at judges). I've already put my agent and realtor on the Vatican vacancy, and a bid is being written as we speak. I'm also in the process of trademarking the word "Poprah". I'll apply what I've learned in show biz to the church. When I'm Pope, each Catholic will get a new Honda Civic. Now, I'm a busy woman, so........

(snaps her fingers and Mother Teresa hurries to Oprah with a large tray of Fig Newtons. Oprah looks at her furiously and knocks the tray from Teresa's brittle hands)

Fig Newtons? Fig Freaking Newtons? I clearly demanded Nutter Butters!! Yeah, you're SOME saint. Get me whoever's in charge here...NOW (she storms off the stage)

Fonz: Wow. That was Oprah! (giggle) THE Oprah. She's on the Oprah Winfrey Show, you know!? She probably got that job because the show had her name on it. She's gooooood, though. I really like her. And Homer was here, which is weird because he's a cartoon character on The Sopranos. (looks at judges in recognition) Hey, you're Jesus!!! I have a picture of you, but you're not wearing that black t-shirt in the picture I have. Oh, you're that old lady that lives in the shoe, right? Boy, that must have been tough. Ooooooh, the Reverend Reggie Jackson!!! This is SO cool. I can't wait to tell Kristine about this. She's my favorite daughter, you know.

Madonna: First, my name is Madonna. I am Italian. I have classic grace and presence. I have adapted my style to remain popular for decades. The one thing that has bothered me about the Vatican is that it has always about Catholicism. I mean, would it hurt to mix in another religion every once in awhile? I have been studying various religions over the years, and would love to introduce Kaballah and maybe a touch of Wicca. Christianity is OK, but has anything new happened recently? New religions=New music videos for me.

EJ: Pope Sir Elton John sounds good to me!! I can explain what I would mean to the Vatican in three words: Fab-U-Lous (snapping his fingers in the shape of a Z)!! I mean, woooooooo!!!! Can you imagine? They would be getting a queen and a Pope in one shot. Plus, I look amazing in white.

J-Lo: You would just lovvvvvve me as da Pope. No, for serious, I would be like BAMMM!!! And BOOOM!! No Pope has had an ass like this since Pope Gregory XVI back in like 1840 or sometin. And, could he shake his hips like this (breaks into gyrating dance moves... Jesus covers Teresas eyes)? I dont tink so!!! Heyyyyyyyyyyyy yall. Jenny From The Block as the Pope would be Dope (Licks her finger, touches her ass and makes a sizzle sound).

Samuel L: Mannnnn, I most definitely should be the next Pope. The church has been all soft and gentle lately. Fuck that!!! Man, when I'm the Pope, the Popemobile is gonna be a funky ol Caddy...gonna drive around Vatican City like, 'Thats right, bitch. Who's your Pope?' hehehehe......my Pope hat will say Bad Mother Fucker on it. I will make the church THE place to be, yall can bet on that. Shiiiiiiiit.

Bono: (mumbles incoherently in a super-thick accent)
"In AMERICAN!!!" yells a frustrated Jesus, who runs his hands through his hair and takes a sip of his Coke.

Surry, judges(takes of his yellow lense glasses). Me accent is a bit thick, I suppuse. To be the Pupe would be a great hunur. Like the uthers have said, the cluthes kick ass, the crib is fucking awesome. Id be sure to end all wars and it really shouldn't interefere with our summer tour dates. I dun't think people pray as much in the summer, anyhow. Pupe Bono, baaaaaby.

posted by Shaun at 1:36 PM
link |


Blogger Susie commented at 2:10 PM~  

This is going to be tough. The Fonz is looking good. Samuel L would take the Pope-mobile on "Pimp My Ride." I KNEW Jesus would be a Coke drinker. Me too, Jesus!

Blogger dashababy commented at 4:25 PM~  

Ok, I'll be looking for the white smoke comin out the pipe when the pope is chosen. If its the Fonz then we know where that smoke is comin from. hehe.
I know Jacko is not going to be the winner if Jesus has a say in it.

Blogger dashababy commented at 5:29 PM~  

and I did notice the "favorite daughter" remark. the real Fonz would never say that. it must me an imposter.

Blogger Cat commented at 7:21 PM~  

Can I vote in the negative for Wacko Jacko? Pretty Please?! He MUST be the first to go!

Blogger Shaun commented at 7:49 PM~  

lol....Cat. You NEVER should have let me know that you hate Jacko in this competition.


Blogger Vajana commented at 7:52 PM~  

when Oprah realizes she might be turning some of her viewers away by becoming pope she will quit the race.

Blogger butterstar commented at 9:05 PM~  

Shaun...you are killing me here. First chance I've had to check out Pope Idol.

you rock. seriously.

I'm going with Bono because I think he'll rock the fancy threads.

TELL ME there's going to be a section where they have to model the robes n' hat to make sure they have "the look". Ya know the look is just as important as anything else in an Idol competition.

Blogger Shaun commented at 9:08 PM~  

of course, butterstar....you think this is some free blog or something?!?!

Blogger KC commented at 6:17 AM~  

Wow, this is going to be tough. A lot tougher than I thought..... I was all gung-ho for Madonna, you know, but then there's too many to choose from. Samuel L would be a great pope. And I love Homer (I had him on top of my wedding cake - seriously) but I'm thinking that Homer would find a way to blow up the Vatican. Elton John would be cool - I love the idea of having a queen and a pope all in one.

I have to say my vote is really swinging towards the Fonz. I think it would be helpful for my afterlife if I had some friends in high places....

Blogger little sister commented at 8:44 AM~  

This is going to be tough! However, I again suggest having Co-Popes. First, Bono and The Fonz would be awesome co-Popes, but now I'm thinking that Madonna and EJ wouldn also work. Just think of the extravagant shows they would put on public speeches, mass, etc. They would definitely make Catholicism one rockin' religion.

Blogger dashababy commented at 9:47 PM~  

um ,,, what the heck is that on Shauns face???

Blogger Shaun commented at 10:20 PM~  

thats my scuba mask, of course!!

Blogger dashababy commented at 7:51 AM~  

oops, sorry, didnt see the sharks at first when I posted, but now it totally makes sense except, its covering up your pretty face.

Anonymous mrtl commented at 9:09 AM~  

I'm just going to say that I won't be voting for the Fonz. First of all because I'm voting for Martha; she'll be more concerned with decorating and baking symbolic-shaped cookies to worry about some of the stupid rules the Catholics have. Second, I wouldn't do that to Kristine. I knew kids with fathers who were ministers, and their lives were had enough with that!

Blogger Random and Odd commented at 9:25 AM~  

mrtl- Amen!

Besides, going to visit her now is rough and she's only three hours away.

It would be funny though to have my mother living in a place that big. She gets lost in her 2 bedroom house. She'll go to the kitchen to get water, forget WHY she went in the kitchen, come back in the bedroom to ask me what she was doing, laugh, and then go back.
If she lived in the vatican; she would go for water and I wouldn't see her for a week!!

Blogger little sister commented at 12:35 PM~  

Okay then, since I'm still on this Co-Pope kick, how 'bout Bono and Oprah?

Pono Poprah!

Blogger The Fonz commented at 1:04 PM~  

You All Could be right about not voting for the Fonz, can't you just see me up there in the window waving my '357' in hand, The growd wouldn't be waving back tho they would all be down on there knees with there hands behind there heads.'=)
Well thats if I could find my way to the window first I know it has to be upstairs somewhere?....

Blogger Tina commented at 11:06 PM~  

OK did we all forget that the church hates Madona after that Like a Prayer video she did. So she can not win. All of the catholics would become Jews.

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