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Thursday, February 03, 2005

Valentine's Day Massacre


, originally uploaded by slowchildrenatplay.

February 14th...Its the day the CEO of Hallmark french kisses strangers in the hallway. Jewelry store owners take a break between marking up all their prices to browse a Mercedes Benz catalog(add another 10% to the tennis bracelets, the Bose sound system is a must). Florists offer guaranteed delivery on Valentine's Day for a small charge(ahem...why does this contract mention my soul?).

Women who normally like romantic things 'just because' are now transfixed by the alien signal being broadcast around the world through ads for diamond bracelets and luxury cars with big red bows(This signal speeds up women's hormonal and nervous systems, which is why February 29th and 30th were ultimately removed from the calendar by men). Women who normally enjoy small, sweet gestures now need to redeem their relationship points before they expire on February 15th. Limit one man per coupon please, sorry, ex-wife.

Its not your fault,women of the world, the aliens are powerful. If you think we enjoy watching NFL draft coverage for fourteen hours or three straight hours of the same one hour SportsCenter, you're wrong...but our Close Encounters are generally spread throughout the year and relatively inexpensive. You get the concentrated focus of red and pink bows, hearts, poetry, and candy....we get anal probings and the crawling scores of the NBA.

Don't get me wrong, we men LOVE ya. Really, we do. Imagine the ratings of the Lifetime Channel and the Soap Opera Network on February 13th, when men throughout the world are passing the sports bars and strip clubs to get purchase ANYTHING red, heart-shaped, or velvety.

We'll do it and hope you like what we bought you. Really, we will. Remember that the hypnotizing commercials will be gone by the 15th, but we'll still be holding your hair when you're throwing up and buying you tampons when we only were going to the store for hot dog buns. Now THAT should be on the Hallmark card.

ps-I love you, honey....and I will try to get something you'll love. I'm taking back the red-velvet box of tampons too.

posted by Shaun at 10:31 PM
link |

18 Comments:

Blogger muse commented at 9:28 AM~  

LOLLOL!!!

Love you post! LOL

I just stumbled here from your gal's blog. She "hinted" that readers ought to come here to encourage you to remember V-day, but I see that you've got it covered! ;)

P.S. A nice shoe-tree never goes out of style.

Blogger Random and Odd commented at 5:14 PM~  

Yes, isn't he mister funny man?

I'll have to take a picture of the coffee cup set he will pick up at wal mart on the way home.

:)

Blogger Pissy Britches commented at 6:09 PM~  

Ok. You totally sound just like my freakin husband. He thinks Hallmark is the anti fucking christ. As long as you buy a good gift that's all that matters. I just ask my husband for a 70 dollar Tiffany keychain! He said he would just go get it from the Mexican people on the corner for 15. Mean ass.

Blogger Random and Odd commented at 6:56 PM~  

He won't pay $70 for a keychain and THAT frustrates you. Classic, you made my point.

Blogger Random and Odd commented at 8:10 PM~  

HEY! I DID NOT POST THAT!!!

That was Shaun!! GRRRRRRRRR. Stephanie, you know I got your back girl!

Blogger artemis commented at 9:43 PM~  

I hate to abandon the women, but on this I totally agree. Valentine's Day isn't about love anymore. It's completely commercial. Besides, nothing says "I love you" more than that special little gift that shows thought was given, not lots of dollars. And for the guys whose girlfriends or wives get mad because they didn't get an expensive piece of jewelry, if she can't love you without the diamonds, does she really love you with them? And why are the ads always just about pleasing her? He deserves the love too. And, love doesn't need a special day to be expressed.

Sorry about the rant. I just think Valentine's Day is a silly holiday.

Blogger dashababy commented at 8:06 AM~  

I wanna know where you got the velvet box of tampons.
and cammy is mattys sister, silly.

Blogger dashababy commented at 8:25 AM~  

i have to disagree with the previous comment made by muse because while it "appears" it is all about pleasing us, most men know that the rewards are great for observing such holiday. there is a kickback. its called sex!!!

Blogger dashababy commented at 8:27 AM~  

oops, i meant "artemis" not muse.

Blogger Shaun commented at 9:33 AM~  

Wait until you see me rant about the commercialization of Labor Day.

Don't worry honey, Stephanie hooked me up with a sweet deal. Its a Tiffany spatula, extreeeemely romantic. And for $125, its a can't-lose gift.

Blogger artemis commented at 11:04 AM~  

To dashababy's comment, you are probably right about that for the most part. Guys do get their kickback.

I completely respect your opinion (and all the others). I also know that my statement was just an opinion. I don't want to come off as a raving psycho. My point of view on the subject is just the way I see it. I know too that I am in a very small minority with this opinion.

I understand people wanting to express their feelings with something special. I'm just sick of the commercials that say you have to spend tons of money or it's not really love.

I hope you all get the something special you were hoping for on Valentine's Day. :D

Blogger Random and Odd commented at 8:16 AM~  

The reality of the holiday is that I Valentine's Day has been a let down from as far back as I can remember.

The only Valentine's Day that I can remember is the one Shaun broke up with me after so I guess it can only get better from here on out.
(Last year he took me out and we had a great time ;)

I really don't expect anything. I never have. I guess I was raised a weirdo.

Blogger muse commented at 11:12 AM~  

I don't really "get" the gift part of Valentine's day myself. What I want (and think is appropriate) is a romantic gesture (a flower, a small box of good chocolates, going out...) just something special that says "I know that this day is important to you and I am happy to treat you extra-special today" (and _no_ whining about how much of a pain finding said flower/chocolates or planning said date was... if you do something romantic for someone but then make them "pay" by making them feel like treating them special is a huge burden for you, you might as well not bother, in my opinion... ;)

Anyhoo, I love _all_ celebrations (around the X-mas holidays I'm sad that I don't know anyone celebrating Kwanzaa because I'd celebrate that too! LOL) and I love V-day too. I just don't understand the expensive gift part (to me, gifts are for birthdays and Yule).

But here I am, being all serious when I just laughed again at re-reading Shaun's post... hehe

By the way, Kristine, if you _do_ end up with a shoe-tree, you can blame it on me (I _was_ just kidding, Shaun!) ;)

Blogger Pissy Britches commented at 12:45 PM~  

Hell, if I am gonna put out..I want a nice gift and dinner.

hehehe...

Blogger Tina commented at 9:47 PM~  

I HATE THE WHOLE DAY!!!! I have never ever had a great Valentines day, hell I have never even had an OK one.
With that said, I hope you both get everything you want, and hope that it is a great day for both of you. What ever you get eachother.

Blogger Tina commented at 9:49 PM~  

I believe that all you need to get from the one you love on Valentines Day, Is love.

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