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Wednesday, February 09, 2005

Now You Know Why

My parents photocopied me in 1969. I don't mean they invented cloning, and I don't mean I have an identical twin out there. I mean they placed infant Shaun on a big-ass 1969 sedan-sized copy machine and took the first pictures of their squished bundle of joy. At first I thought this was some family version of an urban legend, only other people either gasped or laughed when it came up. It wasn't until my parents eventually produced the old copy that I realized that the hospital had actually released me to these monsters. No baby had eyes this size. The combination of radioactive waves and 60's copier toner obviously affected these peepers. I just thank the Lord that automatic document feeders were a few decades away from being invented or they'd still be pulling bits of diaper from that Oakland copier.

After bravely dealing with that childhood tragedy, I inquired about following abuses. As courageous laughing relatives came forward, I was shown a photo of me at a mere 9 months old (same age as this sexy bathtub photo). In the photo, Baby Shaun is sitting in a baby swing, only there appears to be some fabric obstructing my facial area. When confronted with the photgraphic evidence, my mom laughs and tells me that I would always spit out my pacifier, so she and my dad would plug it in my mouth, then secure it by wrapping a baby blanket around my lower face. How in THE FUCK I even made it to my 'terrible two's' is beyond me. Anyhow, the tremendous pressure placed on my lips by the binky and blanky took its toll, causing abnormally large lips for a child descendant of Caucasia.

I'm sure these flagrant abuses had as much to do with forming my appearance as any genes or DNA did. But aside from the radiation poisoning and attempted suffocations, my childhood was relatively relaxed. My parents are actually wonderful people. I'll have to write more about them, especially as they get older and I have to take care of them....because revenge is coming, and it will be sweet.

So when you go into a Northern California retirement home one day and see an old woman tied to a rocking chair with an old, tattered baby blanket holding in her false teeth as she watches a deranged wide-eyed, big-lipped maniac make photocopy after photocopy of her elderly husband, just walk by and give me an approving smile, knowing that the next day's blog is going to kick some ass!!

posted by Shaun at 11:32 PM
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Blogger augieboy commented at 12:40 AM~  

that about 'splains everything, shaun (the benefits of childhood trauma). you should thank your parents for giving you your wickedly warped sense of humor, and strange perspectives of ordinary every-day life.

Blogger dashababy commented at 7:49 AM~  

it looks like a crocodile not a duck, still weird tho. po shaun, now i know why you fit in so well.

Blogger Pissy Britches commented at 6:01 PM~  

That thing is very scary looking. I hope you burned it!

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